-Wait, you thought I was finished? Nope. While I may have been gone for months due to my schooling, that doesn’t mean I forgot all about wrestling. I’ve been keeping up with it each week and boy, are my fingers ready to massacre the WWE via keyboard. It’s been a wild year for Buried! We’ve come and gone, but it’s time to repay the masses…this is the 2013 Buried Awards! Just like last year, I’ll be burying the absolute worst that the WWE had to offer this past year. Think of it like a clip show for the smelliest of turds. The format will be just like that of last year’s. Sure it may be 2014 so this may seem late, but some of the worst shit happened on the very last RAW of 2013 so thankfully I didn’t release this early.
WrestleMania 29 – Is this any shock to anyone. WrestleMania 29 was a sloppy mess due to three problems. The Rock, the crowd, and fucking Diddy. Every match besides CM Punk vs. Undertaker had no pop and no sparkle that made it shine. Even the crowd could see through this pay-per-view’s bullshit. Even worse, RAW the next night was fucking incredible. There has been an internet joke ever since then that the RAW post-Mania was better than the pay-per-view itself, and it’s true. There was a Money In The Bank cash- in which in and of itself was enough to make it better. Secondly, about four hours of the pay-per-view was spent sucking Puff Daddy’s dirty diddy dick. Waste of time, so I made nachos. Finally The Rock, the WWE Champion, can’t wrestle. That’s it, he’s done. He literally doesn’t remember how to put on a match. Sure, give him a mic and he can drop a pipe bomb good enough to make CM Punk sweat, but put him into the ring and he botches more than Sin Cara. The match that he and Cena put on at ‘Mania was botched.
John Cena vs. The Rock II – I don’t care what people say, the ending to this match should have came a minute before it actually happened. What could have been beautiful storytelling, with John Cena correcting his mistake from the previous year and putting The Rock away with his signature move, instead had Cena being Rockbottomed with the two men looking sloppy for the next few minutes. The AA that eventually would put the Rock away came out of nowhere and it simply looked as if both men were fucking worn out, or Cena literally couldn’t lift up The Rock up. For all these reasons and the lie of “Never before never again”, WrestleMania 29 was the worst PPV of the year as well as boasted the worst match of the year.
Worst “Shocking Moment”
Curtis Axel Debut – Last year was the “least shocking moment” but this year I feel like spicing it up. While there were plenty of shocking moments and twists that the WWE used to throw us for a loop, some were just complete bullshit. With that said, Curtis Axel being the third Paul Heyman guy was a big shock, but not in a good way. I expected someone epic, someone legendary, someone of the Paul Heyman guy name! But no, we got Axton McGuilicurtis. What did Axel do while being part of of the stable?Umm…win a meaningless belt and lose a bunch of matches on television? He did have a great gimmick for awhile where he won every match by sheer luck (which was pretty hilarious), but despite that, it was anything but perfect. Curtis Axel may have shocked us all by becoming a Paul Heyman guy, but the shock left a sting…
Worst Slammy of the Year
“Match of the Year” Winner : John Cena vs. The Rock 2 – I’ve already dissed this match, so it’s clear why it is bullshit that it won. So instead, I’d like to present the best Slammy of the year- Breakout Star of the Year. The winner was The Shield. Why was it the best Slammy? Not because The Shield won, but because my boy, Johnny Ace presented it. PEOPLE POWER!
Jack Swagger– Swagger left in 2012 to the mountains, or some shit. But in 2013, the “All American American” Jack Swagger came back, donning a new beard and a pissed off xenophobic Uncle for a manager. Zeb Colter would lead Swagger to dominance and for once in Jack’s career, relevance. Transforming him from a douchebag heel with a lisp who “personified” what it meant to be an American athlete to the “Real American”, Swagger eventually won the Elimination Chamber and set his sights on Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. It was a match and a feud made in heaven. But, because WWE can’t book an obvious storyline for shit and their stars cant stay out of trouble with the law, the feud got lost in Zeb Colter’s beard. Swagger could have had the belt, as Del Rio lost it the next night to Dolph Ziggler. He could have had it all, but Jack Swagger couldn’t play by the rules, you know, the actual fucking rules of the United States. The dude literally broke kayfabe and Buried! himself.
Dolph Ziggler – It literally pains me to write this because Dolph Ziggler can take the best bump in the WWE. But, there was just one bump he couldn’t shake off…and that’s when my boy Jack Swagger gave him a concussion. The resulting injury made it so that Ziggler was absent for a majority of his Championship reign, and when he eventually did lose it to Del Rio, that was it….he didn’t get the belt back or shit, even retribution. Granted Del Rio and Ziggler did a glorious double switch but since then Ziggler hasn’t been able to recover. You know it’s a shame when you lose your championship, your stable falls apart and the two of your cronies (AJ Lee and Big E.) are pushed more than you…
Fandango – I could totally bury Curtis Axel again but a much worse debut was Fandango. Hyped for weeks, he came out as a ballroom heel version of Brodus Clay. He refused to wrestle in one his first match against Chris Jericho at WrestleMania. Pretty impressive, until the world realized his theme song was better than his character….and got a concussion which kept him from the IC Title. When he came back, he pulled a Dolph Ziggler and become less relevant than the chick that accompanied him.
Worst Tag Team
3MB – I was going to take the shovel to Los Matadores, but 3MB is what was the catalyst for this tag team garbage. Sure, 2013 was the year the Tag Team Division came back from the brink, but joke teams like this aren’t helping anyone and 3MB is who started it. Since their inception, we’ve had to suffer through Tons of Funk, Los Matadores, and now whatever fucking Team R-Truth and Xavier Woods are going to call themselves. X-Truth, or something unfunny…the Wooden Truth, and then just make dick jokes all night….
The Wyatt’s vs. Anyone –They are The Shield, but not at all. Imagine if The Shield had less talent, less charisma, and their best guy never actually wrestled. No, I don’t hate the Wyatts, I think they’re FINALLY gaining some ground, but it took them almost 6 months. Their feud with Kane was abysmal and was just used to write the man off. Then, when Kane returned…no mention of the Wyatts putting him out of commission. Now Daniel Bryan has JOINED the fuckers. Yes, Daniel Bryan, the man who has been put down by the Authority for months in storyline, and years in real life, just decided one night say “fuck it”. He just gave up and basically turned against the audience. I don’t get it….but for now, The Wyatts turn every feud to shit.
Summer Rae – DAT BEAK!!!!!!
Buried’s Twenty Thirteen Mr. Six Feet Under
Before I present this honor I want to congratulate Mr. Ryback for becoming the lamest dude in wrestling in a year’s time. “Feed me more” became “Ryback Rules” to “The Big Guy” to “Oh fuck, I’m on Superstars”. No one knows what he did to get in the doghouse, but wow has it been a ride. Let me chronicle his transformation from “The New John Cena” to teaming with Curtis Axel:
– Lost to CM Punk at Hell in a Cell. Still, cames out looking strong.
– Feuded with Mark Henry, lost at ‘Mania. Lost all momentum.
-Turned heel on John Cena, started out strong then got put through the ambulance.
-Cut the world’s worst promos. Was “taken to the medical facility” for failure to speak English.
-Became the Big Guy and a type of High School bully. Hilarious promos ensued.
-Became a Paul Heyman Guy and was jobbed by CM Punk.
-Was verbally belittled by Paul Heyman. Joined Curtis Axel who was left without a mentor.
Ryback. You were inches away from becoming WWE Champion, now, you lose to The Real Americans. The Real Americans dude…. The fucking Real Americans son! Ryback is proof that Vince might love muscle-bound jacked mother fuckers, but they are even easier to replace than the rest of the roster. Congratulations Ryback in joining Jerry “the King” Lawler in becoming Mr. Six Feet Under.