*Buried does not represent the views or opinions of any writer on MTR. Buried is satire and Quark is a madman, viewer discretion advised.

Holy shit. There are no other words to describe the WWE recently. It’s been a mental and emotional roller coaster all week and it isn’t even over yet! A lot has been happening. I’ve been gone for quite a while, but I just couldn’t stay gone forever. People have come up to me and asked “Quark, when ya coming back” and I tell them soon. They say to me “Quark, I know you’re in college, but WHEN YA COMING BACK!?” They come up to me and ask “Quark, I know you’re the most electrifying man in Buried! history, and the Buried! three-year anniversary is right around the corner, so when are you coming back!?” Well, ladies, I’m back, and I’m never leaving…until the next time I disappear for two months, deal with it. Without further to do, let’s end the third year of Buried! with BuriedMania!

 

The Streak

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the streak was once again one of the biggest talking points of WrestleMania. No, not Daniel Bryan winning the belts, that was a big deal, but what everyone is talking about is of course the streak. Truly, it is incredible that The Rock has continued his streak of appearing at  WrestleMania four times in a row! When he said, “I’m back, and I’m never leaving” he wasn’t lying. It was the biggest question everyone was asking – will Dwayne Johnson take a break from his busy Hollywood schedule to appear at WrestleMania and continue his amazing 3-0 streak? A streak so mighty, that it now matches RVD’s undefeated streak of 4-0  at ‘Mania! Besides that, nothing really important happened at ‘Mania. (It’s not like I’m blocking out anything so I don’t burst into tears.)

 

CM Punk Watch!

Yep, I’m starting a new section here on Buried! Every week I will try to answer the question that is on everyone’s mind, where the fuck is CM Punk?

…Great question, I hope someone has an answer for me, because why the fuck would I know? He’s probably at the Silver Dome with Hulk Hogan.

Buried!

 

Daniel WHO?!

Seriously, fuck Daniel Bryan. Overexposed and overhyped, this is not what was best for business. Does Daniel Bryan deserve the belt? Sure, if you aren’t  a true fan. I understand that people wanted him to have the belt, but at what cost? The journey was far greater than the destination itself. Granted, him winning the belts were awesome, but now, I just don’t care. This is something the WWE was afraid of and quite frankly it’s true. Sorry Bryan, you’re no CM Punk. Your mic skills won’t carry you that long and the face chasing the heel champ is much more exciting to watch in the ring.  They should have said fuck the marks and gave the belt to Hollywood Batista.

 

To the internet wrestling community, Bryan  is going to have no one to feud against that will be “worthy” of a fight. All the IWC fuckboys will want their savior to win them all, despite the odds. Now that he’s won two matches in one night, he’s become the new John Cena. And this isn’t me being a troll or a dick, but please, someone explain why the fuck Daniel Bryan is any different from Cena? They both defy all odds, beat the impossible, and have held the belts way too often. Daniel Bryan has held the WWE WHC three times in the past 8 months, isn’t that fucking enough! Jesus God, CM Punk, the best in the world, hasn’t even held the belt that many times in quick succession. Thank God the true future of the company, The Shield, ended the show. With that, I need to Bury! Daniel Bryan before he gets a big head and thinks he could go on and defeat The Undertaker next year at ‘Mania and end the str….

 

 

It’s all coming back to me. To quote Paul Heyman, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Brock Lesnar did what couldn’t be done 21 times before and in three seconds became one of the most despised men in the WWE. I held my hand to my mouth for a good 2 minutes…and at the end of those 2 minutes yelled “WAHHT”! at the top of my lungs. Yes I was that fucking stunned didn’t even yell “WHAT!!” but “WAHHT!” I proceeded to call John Blade and simply say “that did not just happen” over and over again. Next was a state of disbelief, and then finally acceptance. Acceptance as in: we are now post WrestleMania XXX and I find ending the streak was one of the most badass things in WWE history. Nobody saw it coming, and if you say you did, you’re a fucking liar. We all thought ‘Taker was going to get the W for this one, no doubt. Sure, in the real world, Lesnar would beat Oldetaker’s ass in 10 seconds flat, but in the world of WWE, the magic of the streak was supposed to prevail.

Many were saying that the build up to the match between these two was dog shit. But if you look back, it was god-tier storytelling. The two never really got the upper hand on one another during RAW each week, it was just one man surprising the other with an attack. Undertaker had gotten cocky due to this and thought that, just like us, the streak was going to survive (unlike the dead man post match). Hell, he even had Lesnar’s coffin ready for him during his entrance. Let me also point out that Undertaker’s entrance for ‘Mania was amazing – with every past loser’s coffin lined up. (Maybe that’s where CM Punk has been?)Personally, and you can take this however you want, if you weren’t OK with the ending to the match, you aren’t a true wrestling fan who doesn’t respect the business nor The Undertaker as a person, and not just a character. However…..WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU LIVE FOREVER UNDERTAKER! YOU COULD’VE CRUSHED HIM  DAMNIT!!!!!  YOU WERE ONE TOMBSTONE AWAY FROM 22-0! NOW I’LL NEVER GET MY DREAM STING MATCH!

FUCK YOU ‘TAKER!!!!!

Buried!

 

Hall of Fame Quote of the Night

Razor Ramon easily gave my favorite quote of night. Jake “The Snake” was also incredible saying how sometimes wrestlers need to stop doing what they love, wrestling, because it’s just their time, but Razor hit a personal cord with me.

“Hey Yo”

Ultimate Warrior Tribute

Wow, incredible, it’s amazing how quickly life goes by. It really puts a lot of things into perspective, but first, I’d like to thank fathers. All around the world, there are millions and millions of fathers who have struggled to survive along with their children. In the bible, chapter Austin [3:16] says “Daddy just whooped your ass.” That’s why I want to talk about fathers. No one makes as many sacrifices as a father. Because behind a nasty keyboard and smelly breath, there is a person. Your fathers created you to live and talk shit about wrestling. That’s why I feel fathers are God’s greatest creation. I believe the genius of God’s soul expresses himself through the body of a father like no other. Thank god for fathers….oh sorry guys, I’m getting told to cut my article short, it’s going too long. So I guess I’ll wrap this up in part two. See you all then, thank God for fathers!