Buried! is satire, reader discretion is advised
It would be an understatement to say that it’s been a busy time in the WWE as of late. The Road to WrestleMania is well underway, CM Punk has been MIA for weeks, the Elimination Chamber is closing in on us and the WWE Network is about to be unleashed. There’s a lot to discuss tonight so let’s not waste any time.
No Respect for the Dead
I’d like to formally say that I have no sympathy for the death of Big Daddy D. Yep, Diesel a/k/a Kevin Nash passed away the other day. Probably tore a quad while walking down a flight of steps and broke his fucking neck. No respect for the dead my friends. Kevin Nash is one of the reasons why WCW went under and has buried more people than Blade, Triple H and I combined. He killed CM Punks momentum in 2011, created the Wolf Pack, and eliminated JBL in the Royal Rumble. Quite frankly, the world is better off now that Big Daddy Cool is…
Did I miss something, because I fucking sneezed and there were two new guys on the roster. Big E and Cesaro. I kid, I kid, but seriously, was it truly necessary to drop the Langston and Antonio from the two? Is Vince trying to make the worlds greatest composite wrestler? I can see it now, Antonio Langston, who uses his bitch tits to giant swing you! As I am truly inspired by the name drops, I will simply be referred to as Q for now on, thank you for understanding.
….who is fucking missing.
…is going to blow up upon launch. It’s the greatest thing since WWE ice-cream bars and anyone who’s anyone is getting it. People bitched when GTA V servers crashed, people are still complaining about their Xbox Ones, and now we have the WWE Network; which has fans who are dumb as dirt. Now you might say “Quark, you can’t call the fans stupid”. Well fuck you it’s my article and fuck you double because Michael Cole and the Bella twins had to explain how to work an HDMI cable. A fucking cable. They had, I shit you not, pre-made vignettes with green screen special effects to show how to hook your computer into your television. If you don’t know how to work a fucking HDMI cable, you either:
A. Don’t own an HDMI cord or a TV that accepts them.
B. Never even used a fucking computer.
C. Live in a fucking cave.
D. Are Buried!
E. Still chant “WHAT” at live events.
I’m not calling the WWE Universe stupid, I’m saying the WWE thinks you’re stupid. Each day for 58 days, the WWE has had to remind the Universe that the NetWWErk is launching February 24th. I think it’s fucking disgusting that the WWE has to keep reminding us that it comes out on Wednesday. It’s like they have no confidence and that we’re so dumb we wont even know how to order the damn thing, not to mention hook it up! No matter how often you tell us, we wont forget. Wednesday February 24th can’t come soon enough, but WWE is Buried! for thinking we’re too dumb to remember the day.
It was actually Big Daddy V that died, not Big Daddy Cool. Sorry about that….even though I still wish Kevin Nash was actually…
Hulkamania is STILL Running Wild
Well, Hulk Hogan is coming back to no ones surprise. Fuck, a CM Punk return would get bigger pop at this stage. But that’s not the point, Hulk Hogan is back and when “Real American” plays as he comes into the arena the crowd is going to lose it. There might be a few “you sold out” chants but yeah….Hogan’s been selling out since before I was a sperm. But what do you expect? This is the same dude who hosted a midget wrestling league, does it really surprise you that Hogan sells out? For all his dumb decisions in life, like giving birth to a son who paralyzes best friends on the regular and having sex with Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, he’s made more smart ones. The reason is because Hogan, just like Vince, likes money. At the time, WCW was the place where the money and this last time it was TNA, but Hogan can see the shit stains on the wall and bounced back to the WWE. Hogan always looked like he was half-assing it in TNA but he genuinely looks like he’s having fun in the WWE. Some people say the WWE is whack for being goofy, but sometimes it’s a benefit.
Elimination Chamber/ Predictions
It’s bound to disappoint like the Royal Rumble, but I might as well give my predictions on the pay-per-view.
WWE Tag Team Champions The New Age Outlaws VS The Usos
The Outlaws win using heelish tactics to further cement them as scum. After all, WrestleMania will (or should) be the spot where all of the Authority collapses.
Batista VS Alberto Del Rio
Batista, while dressed like Drax the Destroyer kills Alberto Del Rio dead.
Intercontinental Champion Big E VS Jack Swagger
Sting comes down from the ceiling and steals the IC Title while Jack Swagger jobs to Big E.
Ryback and Curtis Axel VS Cody Rhodes and Gold Dust
Ryback and Curtis Axel win due to being in Axel’s hometown, to continue tension amongst the Rhodes brothers, and because of Ryback’s new singlet.
Darren Young VS Titus O’ Neil
Young hires David Otunga as he believes Titus attacked him because he was gay. Titus is found guilty of committing a hate crime and goes to prison mid-match. Young wins via count out.
The Shield VS The Wyatt Family
The fans are the real winner as this match steals the show. Wyatts win as The Shield continues to implode due to Dean Ambrose’s continued jealousy of Roman Reigns. Seth Rollins is stuck deciding on who to side with.
WWE WHC Match in the Elimination Chamber
Daniel Bryan barely loses as Randy Orton steals a victory. While many feel as if John Cena should win as it makes for a better WrestleMania, I don’t think Randy Orton will still be champ by ‘Mania. There is over a month to go before Mania, and no one wants to see Orton with the belt. I’ve already talked about this at length, hence why I feel Orton will lose it on cable. He could lose it to Cena, but he’s bound to feud with Bray Wyatt. In a booking sense, Randy Orton being champ makes sense, but they need to make his feud with Batista interesting. There’s a problem when every other plot thread is more entertaining that the champs', but I digress, Dish network is…