I just can’t quit you Buried!
I hate RAW so much. It’s so bad…It has reached the point of unwatchable status. SmackDown Live doesn’t just beat it out in the ratings, it wipes it’s ass with them. It’s telling when James Ellsworth, a man on SmackDown with no chin, can outsell the merchandise of Goldberg, a man who kicked Brett Hart in the chin so hard that his dick no longer works. And that’s not a quote from me, that’s a Jim Cornette quote. No, I’m not linking it, find it yourself.
Easily, the biggest problem with Monday Night RAW is Mick Foley. Why is this man on my television? Foley as the General Manager of RAW is basically the equivalent of your deadbeat uncle. He cracks incoherent jokes and he’s funny for the first 20 minutes, but then he overstays his welcome and you realize he’s just an outrageous asshole who makes nonsensical claims. Foley started off fine enough, playing a good counterpoint to Stephanie, but then he started acting. He’s been acting his ass off and deserves a Slammy for some of the heartfelt moments that he and Stephanie have shared. But then, it happens every single week. I’ve heard the same, “Stephanie, don’t lie to me, are you in cahoots with The Game?” Mick, you’re on Monday Night RAW, not an episode of Dragnet.
Foley vs. Women
Mick not only gets upstaged by Stephanie every time he’s on screen with her, he also just looks plain uncomfortable around women. While talking about the women’s revolution a few weeks ago, he was sweating profusely and it looked as if he forgot his lines. Dave Meltzer talked about the vibes Foley gives off:
“Because Mick is such a big fan of the women’s wrestlers, it almost like comes off..it’s like he’s too big of a fan, you know what I mean? It’s like its…I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t think too many people will disagree with me on this one either. There’s like a line, like you, can be supportive but it’s just like…[groans] I don’t know. It’s, it’s…I don’t want to say “creepy,” that’s too strong of a word but there is a word there that I can’t come up with right on the spur of the moment. It’s not smooth to watch. I’ll just say that. There’s something about it that’s not quite…I don’t know.”
Eloquently said. The only place it seems that he is comfortable discussing women is on social media, and even then, he can’t do it right. Foley shot his load by announcing that the women’s Hell in a Cell match would the main event of the PPV but then changed his Facebook post to say it was one of several main events. Just saying, that’s impossible. No matter what the WWE says, there can’t be THREE main events. That’s like going to Applebee’s and having the waiter pitch you a $20 meal, which includes five dinners, four of which happen to be in soda form.
Hell in a Zzzz…
I fell asleep after just thinking about the lack of buildup from Hell in a Cell. This is the most useless PPV since Fastlane 2015. Why? Because Survivor Series is overshadowing it. Hell in a Cell is full of rematches from Clash of Champions and doesn’t feature Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar. Furthermore, what was the point of Clash of Champions, when the PPV’s gimmick is that every title is on the line…when the exact same thing is happening at Hell in a Cell? Sorry WWE, but it’s hard to get behind a PPV when you’re already trying to get us excited for the next one.
The US Championship
Roman Reigns vs. Rusev is an allegory for Trump vs. Clinton. Both men are fighting for the US Championship, and no matter who wins, no one will be happy. Meanwhile, we all miss the last great US Champion, as he brought change to the belt. Yes, John Cena is Obama.
Actual good things on RAW
- The Cruiserweights are correctly being used.
- Braun Strowman vs. Sami Zayn is one of the most intriguing feuds in WWE currently.
- Nia Jax is barely on TV.
- The commentary is actually side splitting funny at times.
The Golden Truth vs. The Shining Stars
I’ve never said this in the over 400 issues of Buried!, but all of these idiots need to be released. That includes Titus O’Neil and Mark Henry who were at ringside. We live in a world where Adrian Neville can’t get any airtime, but The Shining Stars and four out of their prime actors can flail around on my television. I have so many questions and none of them have been answered in the month since this feud began.
- WHY is Mark Henry not retired? He can barely walk yet alone wrestle.
- WHO is this feud elevating? Seriously, WHO?
- HOW is this the third time that The Shining Stars have been in front of a live crowd without the audience violently chucking rotten tomatoes at them.
- WHERE the fuck did they come up with this terrible gimmick for The Shining Stars?
- WHO does Vince owe money that he approved of said gimmick?
- WHEN will I actually quit Buried!?
Nothing will be answered, next time, on Buried! Ball Z.