My voodoo magic from last week where I wished for a bad RAW, must have worked because FUCK THIS RAW! I used the meme last week and I’ll use it again. WHAT YEAR IS IT! This felt like some really bad pre-CM Punk 2011 episode of RAW. So if we’re going back that far, I might as well go back to being old school Quark. Less proper, well thought out jokes and more stupid swear words.
The Kane Curse
I FUCKING TOLD YOU! Daniel Bryan’s neck is apparently on that Edge or Christopher Reeves swagger the way the WWE is telling this story. Yes, Bryan needs to go in for neck surgery. My theory, his beard has weighed his head down for far to long, and his neck has become strained because of it. Bryan is on the verge of becoming the next Dolph Ziggler, out for months due to injury and then going to lose the belt to fucking Fandango upon his return. But in all seriousness, Bryan’s reign so far has fucking sucked. Kane is just bad luck when it comes to feuds it seems. CM Punk might have bitched about not being in the main event when he was champ, but at least he got put in credible-ass feuds. He challenged the likes of John Cena, Chris Jericho, the Rock, Daniel Bryan, AJ Lee, and even…..Kane……fuck…never mind.
A Picture is Worth 1000 Slaps
Total Divas. I could end it right there. But they have officially melded Total Divas and RAW tonight. Sure, AJ did it too when she called them all out, but tonight, it was an Undertaker-sized match up. A match that might have changed the WWE as we know it. Natalya challenged Brie Bella to a fight…because Brie didn’t appreciate her painting. You know, Natalya, arguably the smartest and most professional female in the biz, got in a fight over a fucking painting. To Brie’s credit, she had every right to shit over the picture, the thing is fucking atrocious, but that means nothing. They turned Natalya from a pro to a bitch. You know, like the rest of the Divas! This kind of petty bullshit is inexcusable, and further proof the WWE has no clue what the fuck to do creatively right now.
The Big Guys
You may be shocked to hear this, but Rybaxel is my favorite tag team in the WWE right now. The WWE achieved the impossible by making both Curtis Axel and Ryback relevant. Their gimmick, which seems to be like that of the red-headed step-children of Paul Heyman who were both abandoned in a gutter and eventually bonded in the fight for survival, really resonates with me.
TWO, two Divas matches in a single night! When AJ was champ, she had to claw her way to appear on SmackDown, but now, we have Alicia Fox. She lost her match and took up over a two and a half minutes just trashing the ring side! For a second I thought it was a shoot, but then after a while it just looked like foolishness. She then stole JBL’s hat and strutted off. I just wondered what the fuck had happened, but more so, I knew she was…
RAW- Really ASS Wrestling
I’m all out of energy from such a shit RAW. So it’s time for some stream of thought burials. JBL freaking the fuck out as Fandango was making out with Layla was the highlight of the show. I say highlight because the rest of RAW was that bad. That match itself was so forgettable, I don’t even recall who Fandango faced. But no wonder Fandango went from banging Prissy Hen to Layla, it’s a fucking no-brainer. Also, where the hell was Bad News Barrett? You’re telling me BNB wins the Intercontinental Championship after a month-long tournament, and he can’t even get on RAW? Is this a fucking joke?! Clearly he will get that English love next week in England, but that’s no excuse! But no, we got to have two fucking Divas matches! And constant, CONSTANT, Shield vs. Evolution bullshit. I’m all for The Shield, and Roman Reigns is the best 25 seconds in wrestling, but put that fucker in a match and it becomes a bathroom break. Add in Batista and you have one of the dullest main events of the year. This guy will undoubtedly be the future one day, but maybe you need a few lessons back in NXT before your ready kid. Speaking of NXT, Adam Rose. Can’t tell if I love him or hate him yet. He could be great, but you put him in the ring with a major lemon like Jack Swagger and no one has fun. And Alexander Rusev. Zim Zam Zooey, that’s my best Lana impression for you. Fuck that guy. I hate him. So yeah, as a heel he’s done his job, which is good! But I’m not cool with Big E getting made to look like a bitch right in front of him. WWE better not bury Big E just to get over one mother fucker.