In what is being called the “Vince McMahon getting blown up in a limo effect” in regards to unsatisfactory conclusions comes the question everyone has pleaded, NEIGH, demanded to know: WHERE IS CM PUNK…..and BuriedMania III Part Two? The truth is that it doesn’t exist and shouldn’t exist. I made the silly mistake of adding a Part One to the end of the title when, in truth, I had very little idea of how to even make a Part Two. Perhaps this is why a lot of times sequels fail to live up to the original. The creators, like myself, blow their creative load on their first go around and when it’s time to produce another hit, they got nothin’. BuriedMania I, by itself, is a damn fine article and one I’m proud of, and trying to force jokes to make another would ruin that of the first installment. ‘Ya can’t force genius folks, but it was still my fault for making the promise, and for that, I apologize.
Spunky “Quark” Adams
But enough of that shit! This week’s RAW was one of the first in a long while that was bury-able! RAW has been so good the past year that it has caused John Blade to have a mental breakdown and stop writing. Writing Buried! is our life blood folks, and WWE wants to take that away from us! So fuck you WWE, I’m firing back! Speaking of “Fuck You” – hi Zack Ryder. I haven’t buried this boy in a long time and it’s long overdue. Ryder launched a new show called Rezurection or some shit, he spells it with a Z to be cool. But his in-ring career has seen anything but a resurrection. He has now been relegated to getting eliminated off-screen when they need additional bodies during a Battle Royal. You know it’s bad when the “Undertaker Streak Guy” has had more airtime in the past month than Zack Ryder. I find it funny looking back at the rise and fall of Ryder and comparing it to Daniel Bryan. They are pretty much the exact same story. Guy goes out and creates his own destiny, fans back him up, they reach the pinnacle of their success and then crash and burn. Granted, Bryan hasn’t fallen yet but the similarities are frightening, especially considering the Kane/Bryan storyline mirrors that of Ryder’s. To quote a tweet by Zack himself: “be careful @WWEDanielBryan”. Ryder has reached the point where his t-shirts are being sold at Hot Topic for $2.98. However, cheap prices don’t stop Ryder from getting…
Speaking of mirrored fates – Alexander Rusev. Let’s think for a minute. A frightening and silent big guy who hails from a foreign country, who destroys jobbers in handicap matches with a manager who is more interesting that the wrestler themselves. (I thought we were talking about Rusev not Lord Tensai). I look at this fuckin’ guy and instantly see him shucking and jiving with Adam Rose in a year. I don’t give a fuck if he’s talented, he’s big and “Russian”, he will suffer the Vladimir Kozlov in no time. And I know Russia is in the news, but are we really going to reference Putin every fucking time Lana is on the screen!? I half expected Sgt. Slaughter to come uot and beat his ass. Seriously, is this the fucking 80’s!?
In the words of the great Razor Ramon!
“Hard work pays off
Dreams come true
Bad times don’t last
But Bad Guys do”
Except for Ultimate Warrior. Because let’s get one thing straight, Ultimate Warrior was a villain to the WWE for YEARS before the whole WWE 2k’14 deal went down. Don’t believe me? Have you seen “The Self Destruction of Ultimate Warrior”? No? Good! Superstars getting fucked by Pat Patterson have had their shit pushed less than Warrior did in that video! He was a hated sonuvabitch, and despite burying the hatchet, I know for a fact that there were still plenty who still had beef with the Warrior. Which begs the question, “Who killed Ultimate Warrior?” I’ve cross-checked this multiple times, done several studies, and talked to many of my colleagues, and there is no doubt about it, Ultimate Warrior was murdered. Say what you want, someone as Ultimate as he doesn’t just simply die! Seriously, he dies just days after the Hall of Fame and WrestleMania 30? I don’t believe it, these are my suspects with the odds that they were the culprits:
During the hottest time for WWE, WrestleMania 30 was the ULTIMATE time for TMZ to take advantage of the media blitz. What better way to gain some coverage than to create your own story by killing the Warrior? How else would they be the first to report the story? Speaking of paparazzi, fuck Perez Hilton, seriously, fuck him.
He brings Warrior back and at the same time creates a DVD about him. Not only that, there happens to be a documentary created for Warrior within about a week of his death. It’s almost as if Vince had it planned from a beginning. Did Vince want Sting to come to the WWE so badly that claiming the life of the Ultimate Warrior was the way to do it? You sick bastard.
After defeating the streak, Brock Lesnar just wasn’t satisfied. He needed more. But seriously, he already practically killed the Undertaker, even Brock has SOME morals.
After WrestleMania, Adam Rose invited Warrior to his exotic express where, allegedly, the party never stops. I say allegedly because it seems Adam Rose seems to have most of his parties indoors…and he parties with people in bear outfits. I think Warrior showed up at one of Rose’s parties, and after feeling uncomfortable being groped by furries, felt it was time to leave. You see, Warrior was being a total lemon, when he should have been a rosebud. Warrior then changed his mind and partied hard, some would say, too hard. The next day on RAW, Warrior felt his heart about to give out on him, so he decided to give his own eulogy. It makes sense when you don’t think about it.
Odds- High enough
Still bitching and moaning years after leaving wrestling, Bret Hart never did like Warrior (who did) and was always jealous of his fame. Calling him a “roided out flash in the pan made of unicorn shit” Hart was especially pissed about how Warrior was treated like the ULTIMATE inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame. Bret just couldn’t take it anymore.
Jesus Christ and Macho Man Randy Savage
After doomsday was prevented on May 20, 2011 by Macho Man Randy Savage, Jesus was pissed and vowed to try to end the world again. Macho Man once again stopped Jesus by promising a rematch between he and Warrior from WrestleMania 7. Jesus, being a huge mark, loved the idea. And the rest is history.
Now, I said this RAW was bury-able but it was still a treat. Sheamus got the U.S belt, Bad New Barrett defended his IC title already, The Shield was god-tier and Evolution was cool, I think. So what was so bad? Well let’s just say the Wyatt’s were just…farts. I don’t even have a swear for them, just farts. Because what the fuck. It’s one thing for Brie Bella’s terrible “acting” in fear as Kane tries to destroy her and her husband, but at least it’s slightly believable. The little piece of shit, Little Johnny I think, who I guess is the Wyatt family’s son or something – I’ll be honest even I don’t get it. I guess the Wyatts are trying to convince Cena the kids are leaving him, so they got some kid to come out and pretty much say to him “#TeamWyatt”. There are two things I hate more than anything in the WWE – bad acting on the part of the women and bad acting on the part of children. Children are the absolute worst because most of the time, they just look stupid.
What makes the Wyatts fail is how their message really is a lie. Sure, some of the audience (including myself), are behind them, but these are the people who have booed Cena for years. But the Wyatts aren’t even acknowledging these followers, they’re trying to say it’s kids who are being converted. But seriously, what fucking kid is rocking a sheep mask? Even worse, Cena is buying this bullshit! Bray said to Cena “they don’t love you anymore John” when John should say, “they don’t give a fuck about you anymore Bray“. You think I bury people, you would never have seen Bray after Cena would deliver that line. But this is my article and while you guys had a great storyline going on, it’s just getting a little ridiculous, so you are both…