When my ass hears a big name is coming back, and I see it’s the Miz, I’m a little disappointed. When I decide, “fuck the Miz, I’m going to bed, this RAW sucks” and it turns out Jericho AND AJ also came back, I die a little on the inside. A lesson should be learned here, NEVER MISS RAW.
The RAW Returns
AJ, who came skipping to the ring to take back her Divas Championship, was absolutely brilliant. The fact that she referred to the belt as “my baby”, cracked me up. Eagle-eyed members of the MTR Buriedverse also noticed the big ass stone on her finger that would make The Million Dollar Man cry. CM Punk, ya done good. Next, Jericho came back to feud with Bray Wyatt, which gives me a slight chub at the thought of the promos. Did the Miz deserve the code breaker after pronouncing that he was The Marine damn it? Well Ofquark. Did the planet give a single fuck when The Great Khali also came back tonight? Ofquark not. Did I blatantly rip off Bo Dallas’ “Bolieve” shtick by changing the phrase “Of course” into “Ofquark”? You’re god damn right I did, and Ofquark, I’d do it again! Also, Bo Dallas is the best thing since sliced bread.
The NEW Three R’s of RAW
After I saw the new column on MTR, I had to adapt and give my own take on the Three R’s of RAW: Realness, wRestling and wRiting
Realness– 10/10 as Dean Ambrose was 100 percent REAL when it came to what can survive a Nuclear Blast-
“Twinkies, Cockroaches, and Dean Ambroses”
wRestling– The fact that the Kofi vs. Cesaro ended DURING a commercial is a fucking tragedy. You know HHH was PISSED backstage at who decided to pull that shit.
wRiting-Why the writers aren’t making Cesaro getting his eye poked out a huge storyline is beyond me. Cesaro, already the one of the most kickass dudes in the WWE, SOMEHOW became even cooler with an eye patch. Yes, he beat the shit out of Kofi and then Big E on SmackDown, but it was only on Main Event where he donned the eye patch. Seriously writing team, make the eye patch a staple of his character for a little. Have a heel just eye poke the fuck out of him and bam, the baddest man on earth is born. Many will say “Quark, an eye patch is stupid, why keep it.” Because, JUST LOOK AT HIM!
Quark’s Case/Face of the Week
Hey, Jay Santy got his thing, but does he have a face AND a case? A new segment sponsored by Dean Ambrose at Money in the Bank – I ask the question, Face or Case, why cant we have both?
Face of the Week– Emma’s mug shot. Just look at that face. Gets arrested and still looks good. Not as good as Kaitlyn’s mug shot, but literally, nothing can top that shit. But, for still looking pretty fine, Emma’s face is the face of the week.
Case of the Week– The 22 dollar iPod case that the bitch stole…
Random Burial of the Week
The CM Punk of the hotdog eating world, Joey Chestnut, is Buried! Why? Because a dude eating a bunch of hot dogs and then getting engaged is not news, therefore, I do not need to see it on the fucking news.
The Dickhead Kane
Kane, excuse me, THE DEMON Kane, confuses the fuck out of me. Sure I hate him, but I hate him for all the reasons you SHOULDN’T hate a heel. For example, both Brock Lesnar and Alberto Del Rio are heels. When you see Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman, you get pissed, you boo them to hell, but you want to see more. However, when you see Alberto Del Rio, you stay silent during his promos. Why? Because he’s fucking boring! You’d rather stay quiet than even waste your breath on booing him. Kane generates Del Rio level heat. It’s not the “OH FUCK IT’S KANE!!!!” reaction, it’s the “oh fuck…..it’s Kane…” reaction. No one wants to see his ass anymore, despite being reinvented as THE DEMON Kane. Why the hell is he referred to as “The Demon” Kane? Wasn’t it always assumed that he is a demon? Like, are Corporate Kane and The Demon Kane completely different people? Was Regular Kane the Tag Team Champion with Daniel Bryan while The Demon Kane tried to kill him? Either way this guy is storyline cancer. No where else to go in a storyline or need a generic heavy? Throw Kane in, no one will mind. One week, just send out Fake Diesel and I’ll shut the fuck up. But until then, the artist formerly known as Isaac Yankem is…
Damien Sandow as Bruce Springsteen,you’ve gone too far WWE.
Buried!: Spotlight Damien Sandow is coming soon
My Client, John Blade
Many have requested the return of John Blade to the MTR Buriedverse, but besides getting his ass kicked, he’s a very busy man. Due to this, he will only return to Buried! if the paycheck is big enough. One could call him the Brock Lesnar of MTR. However, he doesn’t want money, he wants page views. That’s why I have developed Quarkstarter. Here we will monitor the amount of views of Buried! You can set up an account and just VIEW away. Even better, for every 1000 views one person contributes, they can, maybe, possibly, have the CHANCE to win a key chain or something. Pretty exciting shit right? With that said, we have a goal of 10,000 views by the first of August, but we can easily reach out stretch goal of 1 million by then. At 10,000 views, Blade would be willing to write Buried! for each of the four big WWE pay per views. At one million views, Blade will actually fly out every single week to write a Buried! for RAW. I think we can do it.