New, New, New World Buried!

They tried to stop me but I’m back bitches! You may have been wondering where old Quark has been for over a month. Ladies and fucks perfection cannot be rushed, and I think this meme sums up what happened perfectly…

To be honest with you all, RAW was just to damn good to bury. Some of the best wrestling and storytelling I’ve seen in the WWE in a long long time has recently been featured. This has become extremely problematic for me and John Blade (who now has extended his shovel to the MTR Facebook page every Monday night during RAW) Fuck, I’ve even started writing about goddamn video games! Burying RAW is my metaphorical lifeblood…the only reason I live is to watch bad wrestling and bitch about it on a weekly basis. My ex-editor knew that when she tried to cut me off last year and Captain Quack tried to steal it from me during my college sabbatical. Now RAW itself is trying to kill the Quarkamanic! I’ve hinted at it in the opening song…that’s why I’ve spent several weeks preparing to launch a new group of rebels to bring back bad wrestling to TV! Introducing…

 

Thanks to the nQo, I’m burying the good, the bad and the funky. I don’t give a fuck what’s on RAW, I will find the shit in the pile of gold!!!!

Ryback…

I think Ryback might be nQo 4 life because fuck this clown. This is by far one of the sloppiest turns in recent history. Alberto Del Rio running over Santa THEN turning face was more believable than this. Ryback has become a shell of his former self. I’d say he’s more Skip Sheffield than anything else at this point. You know your stock is low when you haven’t won at a pay-per-view in 6 months, squandered several WWE championship attempts and aren’t even involved with Money in the Bank. Sure, he’s fighting Jericho, whom Ryback will beat so bad that Jericho needs to go on a several months healing sabbatical/concert tour, but that means nothing. You know it’s bad when a year ago, Ryback killing jobbers dead was more fun him than being a top heel. But there’s still hope as Vickie may take Ryback under her wing as a client. I smell wedding bells!

Buried!

 

The ULTIMATE Burial-2K edition

Talk about a fucking sellout. WWE2K14 is apparently going to feature the oldest fuckers in the galaxy as Ultimate Warrior is in the game as a preorder bonus. Yeah Warrior, as he is known now legally, was “leaked” as being a bonus for the upcoming WWE2K14 video game. Warrior also has a notorious hatred for WWE, even though he gets that dough from the legends contract he has. Because he may hate the WWE, but he doesn’t hate money. Especially considering he is going to be a pre-order bonus. Warrior’s reveal as a bonus, along with the tagline “become immortal” makes me wonder what time period the game’s story mode will take place in. WWE13’s Attitude Era mode was highly regarded as a great nostalgia trip, so I wouldn’t doubt if we saw an 80’s story mode. However, knowing that Yukes LOVES to reuse character models, I doubt it. Seriously, why does Damien Sandow have more polygons than John Cena? It’s fucking simple, Yukes uses the same models year after year. Dolph Ziggler’s model looks like a whale about to eat pussy, yet Antonio Cesaro could pass as a life model replica of Jason Statham. Maybe Yukes should have saved the money and actually made new fucking models and not blow it on Warrior.

 

Buried!

Uso Uh-Oh

I have 5 main reasons why The Shield will retain at Money in the Bank.

1. Because

2. they’re

3. the

4. fucking

5. Shield

But seriously, the real reason is that they are fighting the Usos…at a preshow. The Usos have two strikes against them there, but hey, three strikes and you’re out so there is still hope. Maybe they’ll win because they’re Samoan…oh wait, Roman Reigns. Yeah they’re fucked. Fucked, but still respected, unlike Tensai because he’s too busy getting…

Buried!

Marq Henry

Yeah, there was this dude on Catfish ( a show about people who fell in love online yet never meet) named Framel, who looked just like Mark Henry. Better yet, Framel’s fake name online was Marq. Hence, Marq Henry was born. His finisher, World’s Strongest, OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

They’re Coming, oh wait, they’re here.

The Wyatt family finally debuted tonight. No, they didn’t come out via the Brodus Clay route, i.e take months to return under a new gimmick. Nope, the Wyatts came out and actually established themselves in storyline with Kane. The Wyatt family is clearly a clan of crazed cultists and hey, Kane’s a demon so I get it. This storyline can go one of many ways. The Wyatt family can be another version of the Straight Edge Society or a New Nexus, who both had cult like aspects, starred CM Punk and the latter included Husky Wyatt. Or, they could find some chick and make Kane impregnate her to create the devil’s favorite demon’s favorite son. Brings new meaning to the term we’re cuming. Oh wait, this is PG, but that would be some…

Badass Booking

more chibi art can be found at http://kapaeme.deviantart.com/

The RAW GM we deserve, but don’t need right now

OK, now this was awesome. The WWE is trying to sell us this big power struggle within the McMahon family right now and it sucks worse than X-Pac on Chyna’s clit dick. We have HHH playing the fan pandering face, Stephanie stretching those “acting”  legs that she thankfully never used, and Vince McMahon as a heel…or in my case, God. Basically, he hired Brad Maddox to be RAW GM. We’ve had incompetent GM’s before like Johnny Ace, but this takes the cake. The difference is that Maddox has charisma and is funny. We all remember his Bane impression while talking about The Shield. But what needs to be buried is Vickie’s freak-out backstage and Stephanie’s “you’re fired”. I’m shocked Vince didn’t actually light his daughter on fire for butchering his catchphrase. Maybe when she said those two magic words Donald Trump should have popped out of Vickie’s box and told her “there are only two people in this business who can use that word on television”. Would have set up a great match…but still…

Buried!

 

Happy Birthday to Kevin Nash.  Kevin joined the nQo earlier today, but tore his quad in the process. For that…

 

Buried!