It’s time! The Spotlight series has returned and what magnifico timing you perros! Alberto Del Rio, the 8th Wonder(?) of the Mexican World is finally in my sights. Alberto (I’m going to call him Bert for brevity’s sake), was pitched to the WWE Universe as the next BEST heel. He was rich, arrogant and brown, which in Vince’s mind makes for the best villain. However, Bert has done nothing but disappoint and bore the shit out of us. Now that Bert is expected to be leaving the company soon, let’s examine how he managed to bore the WWE Universe for almost 5 years.
Fun Fact: Del Rio used to be an MMA fighter, and won many of his fights….this was not one of them.
There are several layers to this Buried! Burrito so let’s go back to the year 2000. No, this isn’t Buried! to the Future, but to an even less relevant event, The Olympics! You see, Bert was supposed to wrestle for Mexico in the Olympics in 2000, but due to a lack of funding, the country was unable to send their team. This begs the question, if Bert was able to buy luxury car after luxury car, enough to debut over 100 of them on RAW every Monday, why didn’t he help fund the team HUH!? If there ever was a time for a Stone Cold “What” chant, it would be right now! I’m not criticizing Bert because he didn’t get to become a Spanish Kurt Angle, but the son of a bitch is SO selfish, that he would rather buy a bunch of cars (that may or may not have been rentals at some point) than to help his country.
Okay okay, but now on to his WWE career, which can be summarized by one word:
I want to bury Bert for thinking he’s too good for FCW, but unlike Sin Cara, the guy actually knew his way around a ring. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that he sucked more life out of my television than a Great Khali kiss cam. Speaking of which, if Betty White doesn’t hook up with Great Khali, I will demand my imaginary money back. But wrestling isn’t all there is to being a WWE Superstar. You need to be able to cut a good promo or have a good manager (unless you’re Curtis Axel then you’re just doomed). Let’s look at some of the greatest stars in the history of the WWE – Hulk Hogan, The Rock and John Cena. The BEST IN THE WORLD they are not, but they are each one hell of a showman. They are men, who at times, can be so entertaining, that you give little thought on their wrestling ability (unless you’re a “You Suck Cena” kind of guy). Granted, Bert had Ricardo Rodriguez, but even his luster began to wear off over time. Bert has had plenty of promos, but none even touch the likes of CM Punk or hell even Kevin Nash. I’m just sayin’, Sin Cara puts Del Rio’s promo work to shame.
But that didn’t stop the WWE! Quick, name one Superstar who’s won both the Royal Rumble AND Money in the Bank in the same year? Bueller…Bueller? Can’t think of anyone? Well one Mexican aristocrat did just that in 2011. Furthermore, the dude cashed in on CM Punk to capture the WWE Championship with the help of Kevin Nash. This entire paragraph should be the most exciting paragraph ever written about wrestling, but nope, it’s about Bert. John Blade and I were blown (away) when we remember how Del Rio had it all and just squandered it. The dude holds a record for fucks sake! People are mad about Batista stealing the WrestleMania main event, but Del Rio almost stole 2011 from us! It took CM Punk to save us just to get Bert Buried! in real life.
Now how about that face turn? (Also known as the weirdest thing in history.) In 2012, the WWE had the greatest idea to turn Del Rio face. He started showing less aggression and overall stopped acting like a douche bag. But then he ran over Santa. Can you get more heel? He mowed down Santa in front of 50,000 people in broad arena light! I don’t care if it was Mick Foley as Santa, the fact remains that he almost murdered Mr. Claus! But the world apparently forgot about it as he turned face less than 2 months later and won the World Heavyweight Championship from Big Show. I don’t care who you are, you can’t convince me you’re a good guy if you have to scrape Santa’s bloody beard chunks off your hood.
Don’t get me wrong, Del Rio, or Bert, or whatever I’m calling him, is a great wrestler. As a matter of fact, a match between Del Rio and Ziggler was the best live event match I’ve ever seen. The guy’s even had somewhat decent feuds. The stupid (at the time) but hilarious now feud between him and Sheamus over the legality of the head kick was idiotic but had some pretty funny skits with it. Also, the Ziggler and Del Rio feud could have been great if Ziggler didn’t get his skull caved in and they actually ran with the two feuding. But once again, he’s boring! I understand I’m beating a dead career here, but by god! You know it’s bad when dirt sheets are reporting that “Another top WWE Star is to leave company” and many are appalled to find that they are referring to Del Rio. Not because they are upset that he is leaving, but because they were told a “top star” is leaving, not a fucking jobber who’s been a lame duck Champion every single run! Del Rio simply takes up my time and the spots on PPV cards. Get him the fuck out of here.