So…this is now my sixth return to Buried! After over seven months, it feels good to be back. This is just another return in a long line of disappearances which include:
-Being abducted by my editor
-Going to law school
-Dying and being resurrected after tag teaming with God
-Blowing up in a limousine
-Losing my smile and destroying Blade’s house
-Losing my smile and getting a new editor that doesn’t attempt to murder me in my sleep
(Let’s just say I’m the Brock Lesnar of Rage Works, so you might as well enjoy me when I’m here.)
Roman Reigns vs. The Internet Wrestling Community (IWC)
So, where have I been for the past 7 months? I could give you the real reason or a much goofier reason by saying I was doing investigative reporting on the IWC. I needed a full immersion to join the ICW. This included: growing out my neckbeard, chanting “CM Punk” at every live event, continuous bitching about how Macho Man went in the Hall of Fame after Warrior, and of course, praising the gods of the sun, moon and stars –Daniel Bryan, Cesaro, and Paul Heyman. However, one thing the IWC could not dissuade me from is my love of Roman Reigns.
Seriously? Wow, what a guy. Paul Heyman was right as reign when he said Roman could take out anyone (besides Brock Lesnar). Reigns, excuse me…R-Money, is just someone that ANYONE can look up to! Let’s look at some of the best sayings in WWE history. Oh wait…why should I, when “One Against All” kills them all? “One Against All”, wow. Roman [3:16] said you need to Believe That!
This is the type of character that is unparalleled in the WWE. A man, fuck, a lone gunman with a mission, who overcomes the odds and never gives up despite everyone being in his way. And while I think it would be phenomenal for Brock to win at WrestleMania Play Button, Reigns has all the makings of a top star. Sorry to tell you guys, but Roman Reigns can actually pull off decent matches. Saying Reigns can’t put on a decent match is like saying John Cena can’t wrestle: you don’t really have an opinion, you’re just an asshole.
Quark vs. Daniel Bryan
Meanwhile, everyone is STILL crying that Daniel Bryan didn’t win at Fastlane and is being “shoehorned” into the IC Title contest. Sorry kids, but Bryan needs to stay far away from the WWE WHC. First off, he is simply way too small. Oh, and I don’t want to hear anyone say to me “Quark, you’re trolling, this is some new gimmick where you pretend to hate Daniel Bryan, right”? False, I’ve been saying this about Daniel Bryan ever since Wrestlemania 30. I present, an excerpt from BuriedMania III:
I honestly stick by these claims. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some D-Bry, but how long until the IWC turns on him too? I can see it now, some neckbeard with the whole “Yeah, I never liked Yes Man that much anyway, he’s just really obnoxious. They should really be pushing Cesaro.” That there is your basic IWC comment in a nutshell in the year 20XX. And what’s worse? During my reporting, I found myself to be part of the problem. Even now, not a day goes by where I don’t lurk on the web, searching and scavenging for the latest and greatest(?) wrestling commentaries from dudes who know less than I do.
Triple H was right when he said that kayfabe is dead. Really, it’s our own damn fault, we killed kayfabe…and then tweeted about it. We are the ones who look up the spoilers and try to find out more than we already know. There is no other show on television where we TRY and spoil it for ourselves. So why do we do it for WWE products? What makes us want to spoil details of an upcoming feud when we wouldn’t do the same for an episode of Arrow or House of Cards? Yet, week in and week out I constantly hear people call the product “predictable”. I genuinely can’t stand the IWC after what I found, but it’s not just with WWE, they even shit over NXT.
The IWC vs. The Murder of Samuel Bartholomew Zayn
It took WWE…I don’t know, 30 fucking years to have a character like Brock Lesnar, but it took NXT less than three. Kevin Owens is one nasty dude if I say so myself. He looks like the guy who always wins the hot wing eating contest yet he is constantly on fire in the ring. How does a big guy like that move around in the ring like that! Maybe it’s his Canadian blood or maybe it’s from the hundreds of souls he’s taken, including that of one Sami Zayn. Sami Zayn – I love him to death, but I wouldn’t call him the smartest wrestler of all time. Sami was attacked by Owens once and refused to fight another opponent until he got his hands on him. Owens said it wasn’t personal, and that it was just business, but it sure was personal for Zayn. Sorry to say it, but he deserved to lose! Zayn took a challenge against an opponent who has beaten him time and time again. What did he expect, one Helluva kick and expect the pin? Motherfucker you lost to Prince Pretty yet you felt like you could defeat The Kevin Owens?
Zayn letting The Eater of Dreams challenge him for the belt is like Daniel Bryan winning the WWE WHC, then getting attacked by fucking Sting, who later challenges Daniel Bryan for the belt. Yes, I’m aware Zayn and Owens had history and Owens and Sting aren’t at all comparable, but in terms of Tiers or Power levels, they are around equal. Zayn and Bryan are “A” tier while Sting and Owens are like “OP” tier. Just saying, it’s foolish. Furthermore, Zayn has stated in kayfabe he is healthy and overseas with WWE fighting in Abu-Dhabi. So why isn’t he on NXT demanding his rematch? What, is he pulling a Rocky and isolating himself in Russia to become the ultimate weapon to combat the Canadian Crusher that is Kevin Owens? I can see it now, NXT TakeOver: Revenge – KO vs. Mecha Zayn for the NXT World Canadian Championship. Either way, he’s… Buried!
As tradition, the IWC had a problem with this. Many people were moaning that it made Sami look weak and that they NEED to know what happened! Whatever happened to, I don’t know, fucking waiting for plot development! Like CM Punk, I still have a lot to get off my chest. Make sure to tune into Part 2 where I’ll drive my shovel deeper into the heart of the IWC. Stay tuned fucks!