Before we start I’d like to introduce Buried’s newest mascot, Barry the Bear!
Now let's get this shit rollin’!
TNA/Aces and Asshats
TNA has delved into a whole new level of Buried! in the past two weeks. A program that is seldom featured in this column, as they are less professional than (former?) buried boy John Blade, and has reached an all time low. First came the cost cuttings. They fired a shit load of people, like Luke Gallows a/k/a Doc from Aces and Eights, but never even bothered to address why he left. At least in the WWE, when someone leaves the company, they turn it into an angle. Remember when Daniel Bryan was fired for choking out Justin Roberts when the Nexus first appeared? Yeah, the WWE said that he was let go from the group for being too nice and feeling regret for his actions. See, that’s the way to do it! The angle even became a story where D-Bry eventually came back to face his old teammates and well, the rest is history. However TNA just lets a bunch of these clowns go and well…that’s it. No real explanation. It makes me wonder if all the money that could be used to pay for these guys goes to someone like Hogan, who probably makes as much as 75 percent of the roster combined.
Seriously, Hogan is problem here. The company that used to employ big names such as Mick Foley, Ric Flair, Kevin Nash, Booker T and Christian, now has…the Hulkster. I know Hulkamania was huge 20 years ago, but times have changed. TNA should just cut their losses, fire the Hulkamaniac, and hire a bunch of young up and coming talent….provided they have Missouri licenses. Yeah TNA didn’t make sure that half of their scheduled roster had wrestling licenses in Missouri, so half of the wrestlers who were scheduled to work a TNA house show couldn’t. TNA, get you’re shit together and fire Hogan!
It’s the Big NOOOOOOO
I think I've found him. He’s been in hiding for several months now but one of the worst things to happen to RAW is coming back. Big Show, a/k/a the muscle behind the nQo. Seriously, no wonder RAW has been so damn excellent, because this walking aneurysm was gone for so long. I've had my complaints in the past, but now, it’s time to put them aside. Big Show exemplifies everything it means to be shitty. Having him in the nQo guarantees bad RAWs and hilarious Buried’s for years to come. But due to his shittyness, lame ass grunge promos, and failure to appear on RAW he get’s an old-fashioned cup of…
Contract Signing Shenanigans…
…Starring John Cena shockingly enough. But first, have you ever seen a man more over than Daniel Bryan!? Well, yeah actually CM Punk from last summer comes to mind. But that’s not the point. Bryan is so over that even middle aged mothers who don’t know the difference between an arm bar and a LaBell lock can respect the beard. He’s the underdog of the year and the opposite of John Cena. In many ways, he IS the CM Punk of 2013. It’s amazing how far he’s come, but goddamn does John Cena just fuck wit’ all of it come contract signing!? We could have gotten a pretty killer Daniel Bryan shoot, but instead, we get a very basic John Cena promo. He did the traditional “don’t underestimate Daniel Bryan because he’s a shrimp…like the LATE, GREAT Eddie Guerrero.” Cena is the master of the backhanded compliment. A typical Cenism (that’s what I’m calling it now) goes like this: “Daniel, you’re the man, you are at the top of the world, but cross me and I will fuck your ass to the ground.” But let’s get real, Cena burying talent isn’t anything new.
All my exes live in Texas
So as we all know, Dolph Ziggler dumped AJ Lee. As we also know, no other Diva besides AJ Lee is allowed to have a boyfriend. As we also know, AJ is the town bicycle. Naming the men she’s dated in her WWE career would be it’s own Buried! in itself. Oh wait it was – in 2012’s Buried! of the Year Spotlight, AJ Lee did just that. But add another notch to her list of lovers in Big E Langston. I’m sorry but I just don’t get it. This was the obvious progression in the AJ/ Ziggler story of course (we all saw it coming) but seriously, Big E would split her in half! Hell, John Blade would split her in half! Big E might just cut the bitch right down the middle! AJ sorry to say, but you're about to be…
Big E and Ziggy
Speaking of these two guys, why aren’t they a legit tag team!? This may just be some bad ass booking, but I would love to see Big E also dump AJ. Considering that Big E was a face in NXT and was loved down there, I don’t see the problem. The two of these guys seem to be the only ones who would be able to take the belts from The Shield. Some will say that Ziggler is too good for the tag titles, but in this day and age, after Team Hell No and The Shield, the tag belts are worth way more than the Heavyweight Championship. But considering that the WWE seems committed in a Mark Henry face turn, we are bound to see Big E stay heel and have a battle of the bulk against Mark Henry.
You all expected me to say battle of the blackest didn’t you! Come one people, I’m not racist Vince.
I am clearly not the target audience for Total Divas. Neither is the entire WWE Universe, as the crowd was silent during the Miz TV spotlight for the show. Every bitch (besides Natalya) got booed. But not like a hardcore boo, it was like those boos the 3MB get. So subtle you can hardly make them out. So silent you can almost hear the careers of the wrestler before you slowly dying. We, however, were treated to a short clip of the new “hit reality” show. What looked more staged than the WWE was the Bella twins about to meet a new Diva, Eva Marie. Nikki or Brie (sorry I wasn’t staring at their tits to see which one was the fakest) was upset that Eva Marie was in the WWE in the first place and said “Why would they even hire her if she looks like me!?” “Because bitch you quit the WWE at the time!” were the exact words I yelled at my TV. The Bellas were only rehired because they are dating Cena and Bryan (so you know the eventual mixed tag match is coming), and to be on Total Divas.
But the topper on the poo-filled cake was Eva Marie, who declared “I’m here to make a name for myself” only to then slap Jerry “The King”. Excuse me, the slap was more like a light love tap and her acting was Microsoft Mike quality. This show, while it may star beautiful women, is not my cup of tea, and I only saw 2 minutes of the damn thing. However, hopefully this show will bring the WWE more positive mainstream media attention. But based on the clip, Eva’s horrible acting, and Jo Jo looking like a 5th grader, I have very low hopes. And before anyone asks, yes I will be burying this show every week during RAW Buried!, don’t worry. Total Divas is buried to the point that the WWE has Johnny Ace on speed dial to future endeavor it.
A very special Buried! to CRyback, who was found sulking in a corner after half the WWE Universe chanted “You can’t wrestle.”
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