Man, some days I like being a Buried! Boy more than Michelangelo loves being a turtle . Days when John Cena busts his eye open, or when a storyline involving the WWE Championship just goes to complete shit, or when 9 people get fired! In all my years of writing Buried!, I’ve never seen a spring cleaning like this before! My only reaction to the news was HOLY FUCK…this is going to make for an excellent Buried! Now you may be saying, “Quark, how dare you profit off of other people’s misfortune, do you have no morals?!” Well #ofQuark I don’t bitch, and you’re buried if you think I do. However, these individuals deserve the highest praise for being the most bury-able folks in the WWE (or at least they used to be) so without further ado, let’s start the show.
The only Diva to be released in this purging is none other than Aksana, who’s career highlight was, I shit you not, being Teddy Long’s sloppy seconds. After Teddy she became Antonio Cesaro’s woman until they broke up. Before that, she was going to marry Golddust on NXT. No, not the good NXT that’s on the WWE Network, the NXT that Daniel Bryan still has Vietnam level flashbacks from and that the WWE tries to pretend didn’t exist. Funny how Aksana didn’t even win that season of NXT that she was on, but still lasted longer than the winner Kaitlyn. It’s sad to think that Aksana was one of the hottest women on the roster, with the least ring experience. With that said, she wasn’t too bad at a live show. Sadly, Aksana will go down in history as simply being a fucksock to various Superstars, and Teddy Long…
Easily the fucking craziest of all the firings was Teddy Long. Yeah I know, TAG TEAM MATCH PLAYA, but still Teddy definitely had value and has been in the industry forever, but what the hell had he been doing recently? Besides being Johnny Ace’s slave playa all the way back in 2012, he’s been completely absent from the WWE. Because, you know, Eddie Guerrero’s widow needs to be General Manager of SmackDown and not Teddy Long. Real talk though playa, did Teddy just collect a check every week while he wasn’t doing anything? Was he a road agent, did he do commentary on Superstars?! What the fuck has he done!
The Chosen One, chosen to be Buried! Honestly, I never saw the appeal of him. My first experience with Drew was when he was Teddy Long’s assistant and tried to sleep with Kelly Kelly. Yeah Kelly Kelly, remember that master technician? Sure, people may be sad to see him go, but at least his doppelganger is still signed, aka Adrian Neville. Anyone else see the resemblance between the two? Actually I don’t see it either, but I’ll take any chance I get to make fun of Adrian Neville, excuse me, Adrian NeverGonnaBeOnRAW. Just like Drew, I don’t see the appeal of the man gravity (and everyone else) forgot. Maybe he really is his doppelganger, fuck ’em both.
The Real Americans: done. Evolution: finished. The Shield: cracked. 3MB: ran longer then all of them bay bay! As much shit that 3MB got talked about over the years, yes, YEARS, I’ve always enjoyed them. They took Heath Slater, who has always been a lovable loser, and gave him his own stable of jobbers to be the butt of every joke. Sure, 3MB was stupid, but at least they could wrestle and didn’t waste our time with shitty feuds. I’m looking at you Santino vs. Anyone. There are winners and losers in the WWE, and then there was 3MB. A winner is John Cena, who’s the man. He’s everywhere on everything WWE. A loser is Zack Ryder, who had it all, ran his mouth, and now he has nothing. Then there is the necessary evil of 3MB, you NEED jobbers. 3MB may be dead now, but I know one day, Heath will get the band back together BAYBAY! With that said…..who the fuck forced Jinder Mahal to be in a band that wore all leather, that just ain’t right.
You know when you look online, and you see an old ass celebrity has died, and you think “wow, I thought they were already dead.” Well that’s how I felt about Evan Bourne’s firing. Bourne was great in the ring, but he ruined his own career due to multiple wellness violations. I gave Bourne a burial during one of the first installments of this article, and I still think it fits.
Next up, I’m going to bury someone who has yet to be Buried, and that’s a shame. I don’t have a problem with someone smoking pot. Whatever, do what you got to do, I am not touching it, but who cares. I don’t care if you get suspended from your job because you got high one too many times. I do care when your reefer antics cause someone, who is more talented than you to go from being a Tag Team Champion to being a jobber. The man I am talking about of course is Evan Bourne. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Bourne, but when you jeopardize the livelihood of your partner Kofi Kingston, just because you can’t pass up a joint, you’re an asshole. After watching the Kofi vs. Jericho match, it made me appreciate how good a performer Kofi is and just how awesome he was as Tag Team Champ. Now we are stuck with a solid mid-carder who got lost in the shuffle and a shitty Tag Team division just because of one guy. To quote Kanye West, “no one man should have all that power“…
Once again, Yoshi has done nothing. Yoshi Tatsu’s biggest accomplishment was being Tag Team Champion with my create a wrestler in WWE ’12. I wonder why the WWE is so bent on finding the next big Mexican Superstar, but doesn’t really care about its HUGE Asian market. Why aren’t they looking for someone to appeal to the Asian market, and not some big white dude with sharpie tattoos? Fuck Tensai, dude still has a job commentating, yet I never saw Yoshi Tatsu on RAW in my life!!!! What!?
Curt Hawkins…the first wrestler to ever get Buried! Saying goodbye is like sending your kid to their first day of kindergarten, and watching them get hit by a bus. Curt wasn’t original, he wasn’t charismatic, fuck, he wasn’t even that talented, but he’s our Curt. Hell, Curt (along with Hunico) was the reason John Blade and I even started Buried! in the first place. Even though the WWE thing didn’t work out, he will always have the privilege of being a Buried! Alumni. Curt Hawkins, you get one final burial, not our of hate, but out of respect.
Phew, that was a BRUTAL article, I almost feel bad. Thank god no one else got released, I don’t think I could handle…
We finally got the son of a bitch. Think about this FUCK for a minute. It is June 13th or 14th, whatever, and the last time JTG won a match was in May of 2012 against Yoshi Tatsu…he hasn’t won since, and his last TV match was in September of 2013! It’s been 9 months since this guy has been on TV, and he’s been getting paid since then! Doesn’t this anger anyone? I’m sure pissed. This dude had a goddamn countdown clock saying how long he’s had a job. Everyone on this list deserved a job over JTG, and the WWE knew this. They were trolling us all day. They purposely announced that everyone else was fired before JTG, so we all thought “no fucking way, JTG escaped the purge.” But once again, we finally got the son of a bitch!