Welcome to Old School Buried! and man has old school had some fun on My Take Radio. When I heard an Old School Buried! would be needed tonight, I knew this limousine should fly…wait, what the fuck am I saying? Sorry, I think I’m just drunk like Ric Flair was when he started Old School RAW. Well to celebrate, it’s time for Old School Buried! I’m going back to the good ol' days – short paragraphs, multiple bad photoshops, shitty story lines that go over everyone's heads, and of course, grammatical errors a plenty. Don’t expect the M to be capitalized in CM Punk mother fuckuhs! Shitttttte, I even brought in my old editors and the ghost of Captain Quack to help me with some of the jokes! Just kidding, some things should just stay Buried!
Like I said, Ric Flair is fucking drunk. Nature Boy came out, more drunk than he was at the WWE '14 panel. Ya know, the same one JR was fired from for not reeling him in. The dude was just going on and on in the ring about Randy Orton having two belts but also not putting up his end in the bedroom. Seriously, what does Randy Orton’s championships have to do with him not being good at sex? Granted, Ric Flair caused the 49ers to win their game against Green Bay, but that doesn't excuse him from crawling his way to the ring, complete with shades to cover up his drunken eyes. But thank God Vince sent out John Cena to shut him the fuck up! With that, Cena delivered one of his best lines of the decade!
“'Ya feelin froggy, well then jump, because I wanna dance Randall.”
“You know it’s Old School RAW when Jerry Lawler is having heart issues!”
“You know it's old school when they’re using his illness to shill the WWE App”
I like that Daniel Wyatt only joined the family because he has a fucking beard! I may have mentioned this in a previous article, but since it’s Old School Buried and I always used to repeat jokes anyway, why stop now! I ain’t even mad he joined, but just because he has a beard! Fuck does that say about the rest of the Wyatts though when he’s the most intimidating man in the group? Goat-face killer is more threatening than the 7-foot sheep dude. Especially the wife beater guy, people are soon going to forget all about him. I sure have. That’s why Luke Harper is, you guessed it…
“You think Hogan will show up?”
“I will only accept that if The Shield triple powerbombs him and he still gets up and leg drops all of them”
– John Blade
Old School RAW has top stars like Pee Wee Herman and Jewel tweeting about it…who the fuck is Jewel?! I have no idea, so here’s a picture of Pee Wee Herman.
Damien Fucking Sandown! What a shit-canned looser! Yes I said looser because only goons would have such a loose victory against The Great Khali. Seriously, his shitty win has resulted in a, I shit you not, a Damien Sandow and Great Khali rematch/ feud. What the shit. Yeah I’m saying shit a lot, sue me. Maybe it’s a joke, the idiot versus the genius. Continuing to insult our intelligence, is what the WWE is doing making us vote on a ref for the fight. Our choices were Bob Backlund, Arn Anderson and Sgt. Slaughter. The winner is obviously going to be the Sarge, but ladies and Virgins, fuck Bob Backlund. He’s the go-to old fart the WWE goes to whenever they want to have someone SUPER FUCKING random in a voting pool. Doesn’t the WWE have anyone else to fall back on? I cant wait 'til he drops dead so we can go to someone cooler, like Booker T or Road Dogg, or fucking anyone. I’d take Jewel.
It wouldn’t be and Old School Buried! without talking shit on Zack Ryder, a/k/a Fat Ryder.
I can’t even talk that shit, because Curtis Axel and Big E. Langston put on a clinic. But Axel mocked his old man by saying “it's nice to see all these old timers who beat up my dad”. That’s just fucked up. That’s not better than perfect, that’s just foul. But Ryback thankfully saved his tag team partner from getting buried with this beauty. When told that Big E. already has a single title and Ryback never had one, The Big Guy responded with “I’m only 21 months in, give me a couple more years”. Ryback, shit like this is why I love you, but why you were also 2013’s Mr. Six Feet Under.
How far Hunico has come! He started out as a replacement Sin Cara, then a gangbanger, now back to Sin Cara again, this time for good. This is why the WWE is stupid. I wrote about this in my famous “Spotlight Hunico” where I said the original Sin Cara just sucked asshole and Hunico was simply better. Looks like the WWE finally listened to me (albeit a year later) as Hunico is back to donning the mask – and much better than the original. Therefore, the original Sin Cara is aburido! Sure that means “boring” in Spanish and not “buried” but it fuck it, it sounds like it .
While Summer Rae may be the most controversial Diva in the WWE right now thanks to the Buried! Awards, Kaitlyn was not one to be upstaged. The Diva and former Chick Buster left the WWE to “pursue other opportunities outside of wrestling”. Many are sad about her departure, and they cited the Diva for her wrestling ability, mic skills and her beat-off worthy pictures.
Folks, tonight we have a rare DOUBLE Burial! Both Ryback (again) and Dolph Ziggler. Both men were recipients of Buried! Awards' Worst of 2013’s for different reasons. Ryback – Mr. Six Feet Under and Dolph Ziggler – the walking concussion! Two men enter, both men Buried! If you didn’t know, Ryback gave Ziggler such a nasty clothesline, that it caused the latter to have a concussion so bad he had to see a neurologist over it. Many will blame Ryback for it (including myself, cuz’ fuck him) but Ziggler is the real culprit! Quiet frankly, Ziggler shouldn’t be known for being the king of bumps. The dude could sell slipping on a banana peel for Christ's sake! He can make a post-game ass slap look like fucking Pedigree. Maybe, this is just a really REALLY elaborate plan to sell the bump. Feign a concussion, ‘atta boy Ziggler! But still dude, you got a concussion, a week into 2014….
Sorry Piper, I’d watch the hell out of “Ambrose’s Alley”, especially if he gets Jake “The Snake” on after that brutal attack. (In all seriousness, that Jake “The Snake” return was literally the greatest way to close a RAW in memory.) But with that, it’s the end of Old School Buried! and it was hell of a ride! I’ll end it like I used to end each Buried! by bitching about our bad fans. Wahhh. Goodnight!