This here is a super-sized edition of Buried! featuring not one, not two, but three scripted sporting events! Enjoy the wild ride that is Super Buried!
I haven’t watched Impact in years. I think the last time I watched it was when Austin Aries revealed himself to be Suicide. I’ve never been a fan of the product, but after tonight, I think I may have been won over. (Despite its shoddy production value, rip off storylines, horrible acting and…I’m getting ahead of myself.)
I like how the X Division title is like the old WWE IC title, where the winner can vacate their belt to challenge the Heavyweight Champion. However, I wasn’t sure when they are allowed to cash in. Can the title be cashed in whenever, or only during Destination X? If it can only be cashed in once during the year, what’s the point? If it can be cashed in whenever, why wouldn’t someone just cash in a week after winning? Are there extra perks to keeping the X-Division title and not cashing in? Do you go to the back of the line if you lose the belt? Do you get a higher payday if you’re the X-Division champ? Don’t you look like a punk if you’re too scared to cash in the belt to fight the Heavyweight Champ? All these questions will never be answered on the Unwatchable TNA.
Apparently, this guy just recently lost the X-Division title, but now he got it back. And now, he’s fighting THE Bobby Lashley for the TNA title. Why would I think this generic create-a- wrestler, who looks like a cross between David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd with the charisma of a garden hose would be able to beat Bobby Lashley? This backyard wrestling, port-a-potty scrubbing goon is going to fight a man who main-evented WrestleMania? Fuck outta here. Eddie Edwards? Who pays this guy’s bills? Who wakes up in the morning and signs this dude’s checks? I want to find them, shake them down, and ask them “Why?”.
While I was fast forwarding through The Miracle complaining with Maria about losing his belt, I noticed this bald guy come out. What I gather is he’s the heel GM, and from Smashing Pumpkins. For some reason, Dixie Carter teamed up with Varys from Game of Thrones to run Impact. Because, reasons? I’m sorry folks, I really have nothing because I’m speechless. I really hated TNA in case you can’t tell. There was so much BAD about it, that it was hard to come up with anything to even talk about. I just don’t get it. Why was Maria yelling, neigh, SHRIEKING over and over and OVER again for Dixie to come out? There’s Vickie Guerrero level heat, where she gives the crowd time to boo, and then there’s Maria, who didn’t even allow the audience of around 50 people to boo. This entire angle was shit.
- The production value on TNA feels lazy and cheap. For all I complain about WWE, its production value is the best, not just in the wrestling business, but in all of live TV. Lucha Underground looks like it has a bigger budget than TNA. Maybe all of their money was used for Final Deletion.
- Why does The Hurricane have a stable akin to the Hart Foundation?
- How can a Knockouts match involving weapons be the worst women’s wrestling match I’ve seen all year?
- What’s all the hype with Ethan Carter III? Drew Galloway at least sounded passable, but for a pre-taped promo, you expect better than over-acting from EC3.
- How is Robbie-E still employed? Zack Ryder and Robbie E both started off as Jersey Shore rip-offs, but now, Robbie E and his tag team just reek of a Hype Bros. rip off. Robbie E looks like he belongs in 2010, and not in an ironic way.
Actual Good Things
- The commentary team for TNA is incredible. Besides their plugs for terrible shows on POP TV, it was excellent.
- I actually care about the Lashley vs. Blandie Blandwards match.
- For a woman in her 50’s, Dixie Carter can get it, if you know what I’m saying….
Before the internet kills the video by quoting “a dilapidated boat” to death, it’s time I spoke my mind on Final Deletion. People are saying it’s so bad it’s good but in actuality, it’s so zany it’s brilliant. I’ve never been so thoroughly entertained by a wrestling segment in my entire life. This here is the evolution of wrestling. WWE did it a few years ago with their pre-taped segments, and Lucha Underground does this as well, but TNA knocked it out of the park. With an emphasis on entertainment and a movie-like production, Final Deletion reinvented the way to finish a giant feud. Matt Hardy is acting his ass off here and there are so many little things you notice upon subsequent re-watchings. The first scene has the following amazing tidbits:
- Maxel has the exact same hairstyle as Matt.
- Maxel’s birthday card says, “Love Momy + Dady”.
- Senor Benjamin finally realizing Matt is going a little crazy, but continues to help him delete Jeff.
- The fact that Matt didn’t buy his own son a birthday gift, as his “gift is too enormous to be confined to a material possession” because his gift is the Hardy throne.
These past couple of Hardy vs. Hardy videos have gotten me excited in Impact so much to the point where I’ll keep watching. Matt Hardy, within the span of a month, has become the best wrestling character on television today, and I can’t wait to see where he goes from here.
The WrestleMania of boxing*, UFC 200 was the combined effort of years of work from Dana White, the head writer for UFC. Like Final Deletion, UFC 200 changed the way to tell a sports entertainment story. With a Vince Russo-level swerve that had the whole internet talking, the main event of the flagship show was changed mere days before the PPV. Jon Jones was (pun intended) boned, as Dana White decided to put DC over an industry legend, Anderson Silva. Allegedly, Jones had failed a drug test, but UFC 200 was a better show by having it be Silva’s swan song. Careful onlookers could even spot DC mouth the words, “I’m sorry, I love you” before he retired the icon. All this does is hype up the UFC’s unsanctioned and unregulated street fight between DC and Jones in the future. What’s more interesting is how the WWE gets flack for putting over part-timers, yet the UFC did the same here with Brock Lesnar! Mark Hunt is a company guy, while Brock comes and goes as he pleases. Doesn’t it make more sense to build up the guy who’s on the road 24/7, and not the guy who’s going to go back to your competitor? It reeks of bad writing.
Sadly, there’s not much to say, as RAW was the opposite of TNA. As a matter of fact, it was pretty entertaining throughout the entire 3-hour ordeal. A couple things to note:
Follow the Deletion
Following the success of Final Deletion, the WWE took a very cinematic approach to the Wyatt and New Day feud, as the Tag Team Champions visited the cult’s compound. On first viewing, I found the shaky cams too distracting. However, upon second viewing, it was incredible. Braun Strowman actually looks like a monster and we got to finally see that the Wyatt Family is a legitimate cult with followers. It strengthens all the members of the Wyatts because now, instead of Rowan and Strowman looking like two goons following around a loony, we know they are his right-hand men in his giant organization. This gets buried because it took three fucking years to get the Wyatt family right. THREE YEARS!!!!
- Dean’s promo to Seth Rollins was god-tier.
- “That girl in purple (Dana Brooke) is there for the redneck eye candy”- Quark Senior
- Detroit is the greatest crowd of all time, as the chants for and against AJ Styles were drowning out the dog shit commentary.
- While Bray Wyatt is the Eater of Worlds, Bo Dallas is looking like the Eater of Burgers these days.
- Secret Life of Pets was good. I’m still salty about Finding Dory– Buried.
- Please give Baron Corbin and Apollo Crews something to do.
- Vince McMahon shitting on SmackDown really helps it’s move to live TV.
- SmackDown will be better than RAW as it is only 2 hours. FACT!
- BreezeZango is my favorite tag team.
Darren Young Made Great
No one was convinced that the whole “Make Darren Young Great Again” promos were going to work, but I knew it would be gold. Bob Backlund can do no wrong and RAW opened with Mr. Backlund marking out that Darren Young won a battle royal by sheer happenstance. Young was lying in the corner for a good five minutes and only won because Apollo Crews accidentally eliminated himself. This gimmick feels like Curtis Axel‘s first gimmick, where he would win by sheer luck. This guy would win due to his opponents having concussions, being jumped, getting counted out, getting lost backstage or falling into the toilet. This seems to be a face version that will slowly morph into a heel gimmick, where Young and Backlund think they are great but are actually shit, kinda like NXT Bo Dallas. Darren Young may not have ever been great, but he sure is now. It’s just so weird and I love it.
*P.S.- Quark Knows UFC isn’t a fixed boxing company, it’s a fixed martial arts company.