Buried! is a satirical view of wrestling, inspired by the garbage commentary that comes from the Internet Wrestling Community.
WWE has the Slammys and Buried! has the Golden Shovels. Each year, John Blade and I have looked at the worst of the worst in the WWE and “rewarded” them for their apathetic displays. This year is a little different as John Blade has decided to leave the Buried! life behind. I could bury him deep into the earth, but I might get sued for slander, even if it is satirical.
Worst Pay Per View
Nominees: NXT TakeOver: Unstoppable, WWE BattleGround, Survivor Series
Winner: NXT TakeOver: Unstoppable.WWE Battleground had lousy finishes, Survivor Series was predictable, but NXT: Unstoppable was astoundingly boring. Unstoppable should have been renamed Unbookable as the event should have been canceled. Half the matches were tag matches or were changed due to injuries. The finishes were lackluster and lacked heart. Balor vs. Breeze felt hollow without Itami and Samoa Joe coming to the save of an injured Zayn had no impact on me. For some reason, the stakes didn’t feel high. While this quality of entertainment is acceptable in WWE, it’s not in NXT.
Winner: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus…anytime
Can you really hate a feud when you barely remember their matches? The only reason that Orton vs. Sheamus isn’t the worst feud of the year is because of their matches. Technically sound, their matches were still some of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever seen due to these two men having the charisma of a broom. Even worse, they wrestled like every week! Randy beat this guy like 40 times, but they just kept showing it to us. Orton can be fun when paired with a guy with even a hint of charisma, but with someone like Sheamus, good luck. This man went from being a bully to just a big white guy with money in the bank having matches with a tanned guy. Any one of their matches can easily be considered worst of the year.
Worst Shocking Moment
Winner: Bad News Barrett winning King of the Ring
Admittedly, I marked out when they announced that King of the Ring was returning to the WWE network. But when I realized it was only a round about way to turn Bad News Barrett into King Barrett, I was livid. Because that’s best for business, bring back an old school pay per view just to bury a guy because he’s too over being a badass antihero. Granted, Bad News Barrett was barely using his gimmick in the first place, but that’s beside the point. The best story of the year was everyone stealing Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship, a championship he took great pride in. So why all of a sudden would he not want to reclaim it for good and be “OK” with being stuck with a fucking King gimmick?
Worst Slammy of the Year
Winner: Tag Team of the Year: The Usos/ Everyone who didn’t show up
This is why you don’t let the fans vote. The stupid assholes who voted for The Usos are the same assholes who cheer for the Bellas because they’re on Total Divas. I know it’s a lot to expect for fans to be educated like Quark, but I expect some common sense. The New Day were the clear winners, but at least they have used the fact that they were robbed as part of their gimmick. The other worst Slammys have to go to everyone who didn’t show up to claim their trophy. On what universe does Bo Dallas get to accept an award for Sting?
Winner: Not CM Punk/ The Dudleys
It doesn’t matter who you are, if someone is hyped to return and it’s not CM Punk, then you are already doomed from the start. With that said, the Dudleys’ return was a case of too little too soon. These guys came back just to lose. All they do is lose and yell, “get the tables” during matches where tables aren’t even allowed. Even worse, I don’t think they’ve ever gotten the tables when they yelled the aforementioned words. It’s a sad excuse for a cheap pop. They should not have came back to immediately feud with the New Day. What they should have done is come back around TLC to feud with the Wyatts. Speaking of which….
Winner: The Wyatts vs. Anyone
The Wyatts have already won this award back in 2013 and were nominated for it in 2014. Safe to say, the Wyatts started the year off slow, fizzled out when they all split and are now just gaining traction. It’s hard to build up an unstoppable cult leader when all they do is lose. OK, they did beat up a bunch of fucks in their 40’s but lost their feuds with Roman Reigns and The Undertaker. The Wyatts talked a big game when they took on Roman Reigns and even claimed to steal the souls of The Brothers of Destruction yet lost both back to back. I completely agree with building up Roman, but you don’t exactly build him by feeding him a guy who always loses.
As for the Undertaker, it would help The Wyatts look like supernatural villains instead of goofy cult members if they would have actually beaten the Dead Man. This could have set up Undertaker finally retiring and winning his final match at WrestleMania 31. After losing his feud to Brock, another loss against Wyatt would have propelled the classic “you can no longer win the big one” story line for The Undertaker. But alas, it will go down as one of the worst feuds of the year instead of a monumental one.
WHO!!!!???? I know, you may be slightly confused as to who the fuck I’m talking about. Mandy AKA Amanda from Tough Enough 2015 is an official WWE Diva. While she didn’t win Tough Enough nor has she competed in the WWE, she will be on Total Divas Season 5. Why? Because she’s hot? I guess? I think it’s because she shares a passing resemblance to Trish Stratus. While the WWE Divas Revolution roles on, they continue to hire supermodels like Mandy with the talent of a broom. With that said, Total Divas is actually fucking awesome. So is life.
Worst Tag Team
Winners: Enzo and Big Cass
This was the hardest one to award as the tag team division this year has been incredible. Jason Jordan and Chad Gable were a shocking hit, The New Day continued to rock, The Usos (despite being a cancer equivalent to the Big Show) were barely around, and the tag team division stole almost every major live event. But Enzo and Big Cass left me with too much disappointment and sadness this year. In Kayfabe, Enzo and Big Cass are two of the worst wrestlers on the roster. They are the Sami Zayn of the tag team division, they simply can’t win the big one. For bringing the feels over and over again, they get the shovel.
When I said Adrian Neville was never going to make it on RAW, I was completely accurate. While he “made it” on the show, he hasn’t “made it” in the sense that he’s a success. Just because you win the Slammy for Best Debut doesn’t make it true. When you think of what he has accomplished this year, it boils down to teaming up with the Arrow to defeat Stardust and gaining the approval of Mark Henry. That’s it. Fans be damned, Neville had the highest potential…and the worst debut.
Winner: Bayley’s Superfan, Izzy
She just bothers me.
Mr. Six Feet Under 2015: Big Show
Joining the ranks of Jerry “The King” Lawler, Ryback, and Kane, we now have the Big Show. Big Show is cancer to the WWE. Big Show has become the new piss break, the moment when you let out a huge sigh and check your watch. Granted, he’s barely been on TV ever since getting demolished by Brock Lesnar, but him winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal was the pushing point for me. That moment ruined what could have been an incredible opportunity for an up and coming talent. I can think of anyone more deserving on the roster as the roster is probably the best I have ever seen it. Big Show, on the other hand, has stonewalled any potential for up and coming stars from thriving. I think this is also Big Show’s 50th burial. Congrats Big Show!