WWE’s Hell in a Cell was this past Sunday, and that’s the perfect way to describe the tension here at Buried! Hell! This whole lawsuit that is going on has gotten completely out of hand. At first, I was OK with making Quack my client, but after seeing how he blatantly plagiarized Blade, I’ve changed my tune. However, Quack and Quarkenstein are still contractually obligated to write for Buried! once a week and if I were to bar them from doing so, I myself could be sued. But until then, I’m keeping my hands out of it.
My first burial goes to that dickhead Randy Orton. What a whack fuck. Seriously dude, AiR.K.O victory? Go eat shit. My hatred for Randy Orton is just insane. The dude can’t even appear on RAW, yet he wins a PPV match. Fuck off. And poor Alberto Del Rio, the guy can’t catch a break…an arm break that is. All he wants to do is please 95% of male WWE watchers and break Randy Orton’s bones, and Orton won’t let him. Alberto used to be buried on a regular basis, but it isn’t his fault for being bland. It’s glory hogs like Randy Orton who steal his thunder. Think of how awesome Alberto’s character would have become if he broke Randy’s arm. Alberto would be transformed from boring aristocrat to bone breaker. But, we’ll never know now. Thanks Orton.
Burial goes to Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, and Michael Cole for one of the worst screw-ups in Buried! history. What happened was Daniel Bryan was to knee Cody Rhodes, but miss and hit Kane. What really happened was Daniel Bryan went directly for Kane. Cody Rhodes wasn’t even in the vicinity and Michael Cole said “he missed Cody.” No Cole, Cody wasn’t even close to Bryan’s knee. Bryan went right for Kane. At first I thought it was just Daniel messing with Kane like they always do…but no, he just fucked up.
I’m usually not a huge fan of titles jumping between holders, but I feel way different about the U.S Title. Justin Gabriel has proven himself time and time again as being one of the most incredible high fliers that the company has today. Quite frankly, screw Kofi and Sin Cara (as much as I like them). Justin Gabriel is where it’s at. Does Cesaro even have a gimmick besides being able to speak in 57.8 different languages? What the hell even happened to Aksana!? I’m sick of seeing this guy, make Gabriel U.S. Champ!
Assassins Creed III and WWE ‘13 get dual burials for releasing on the same day. Why couldn’t one of them have come out last week? Like anyone was going to buy Medal of Honor: Human Killer over Assassins Creed III. This is just like back in August when Darksiders 2 came out on the same day as Sleeping Dogs. It just sucks when two great games have to compete in sales, and the inferior game sells more. Moral of the story, play Sleeping Dogs.
The once unstoppable man has finally been silenced by the WWE. The guy who created a new Twitter account just to continue his tirade has finally gone dark. This man is Abraham Washington a/k/a Brian Jossie. He once preached for fairness and equality, but hasn’t written a single tweet since October 1st.The only logical answer is that the WWE paid him to shut his mouth or he’s eventually coming back…or he lost his password. AW, BJ, whatever, come back, tweet, or off yourself. Until then, you’re buried for lack of relevance.
Why is WWE sponsoring The Rolling Stones? Is Steven Tyler blowing Vince McMahon? It’s just so random. Wait never mind, that’s Aerosmith. I fucking hate Aerosmith. At least WWE isn’t sponsoring Aerosmith. Fuck those guys.
Big Show: still fucking buried. Shocking! I hate this dude, I really do. His entire gimmick is…he’s, wait for it, he’s…..BIG! Like, derp, his name’s BIG Show. I know Vince likes big guys, but why is Big Show always in Title pictures, aren’t there any other big guys to fight? Does Big Show have a big dick for Vince’s little ass? (What is up with me saying Vince is having gay sex?) Anyway, I’m sick of seeing Big Show everywhere I go. T-shirts, book bags, lunchboxes, sandwiches, video games, BIG SHOW BIG SHOW BIG SHOW!!! GOD! Anyone else, anyone, I’ll take Tensai for fuck’s sake. Like come one man, get a new gimmick. You have this iron-clad contract, and you do nothing with it. Kidnap you opponent's mother, kill her, I don’t care, anything! It doesn’t matter what you do, you won’t be fired, so use that to your advantage you giant fuck!!!!!! AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, HE’S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! No! I can’t do this, I quit!!!!!
BURIED YOU FUCK!
OK…I’m back…but damn…Big Show…What the fuck is Ron Simmons doing here, like what the fuck? And not I’m not saying Da…oh you almost got me. But seriously, Big Show being Champ is a darn shame.
JBL said “Layla was a great Champion, the first British-born Diva’s champion.” So…she’s great because she’s British…you know, not because she wrestled or anything. The Divas match was so boring that not even JR could save it. The guy was silent throughout the entire match, as Cole pointed out. He was probably speechless and at a loss for words for how garbage the Divas Division has become. Perfect bathroom break match.
At this point in the Pay-Per-View, I had to take a piss and noticed it’s called Hell in a Cell, yet it’s [10:25] and the most amount of cell I’ve seen was on Santino’s Lady Gaga outfit. It reminds me of Over The Limit where “LIMITS” were not pushed, nothing was “OVER”, and who cares about “THE”? Like what are we, fucking pigeons, WWE? How about we get what we paid for – a Cell? I think the Board of Directors is fucking delusional. You have dwindling numbers on RAW, and you can’t even give people what they want on an overpriced PPV? You know what, if the Board of Directors doesn’t care about their job, then why should I? They can’t give the fans what they want, so neither will I. That’s why Colonel Radec is part of the Board of Directors. Why you ask? Because I don’t give a fuck about them this week, so who cares? They sure don’t.
I hate how they say “Punk will define his legacy by defeating Ryback tonight.” Tell me, on what plane of reality you live on Michael Cole? How has Punk not defined his greatness yet? I think one of the longest title runs in history after changing the landscape of wrestling as we know… RYBACK LOST!? NO FUCKING WAY! Sure it was because of a bad ref, but still. It technically counted as a defeat. He can no longer be defined as “The Undefeatable Ryback.” What a complete ruin of Ryback’s character. Well, considering Ryback is part of the wellness policy “as mentioned in a previous buried” he can be part of the Board of Directors…I guess that’s good? Also, what a tease having Punk climb to the top of the cell…and for what? A ShellShock?