There is way too much to bury tonight that I don’t know if you, the people, can handle it – because I sure couldn’t. Halfway through I decided to change this into a Spotlight article featuring Paul Heyman’s newest guy. But I shall at least try to make you people happy. Let’s start this fucker off by burying the social media bastard which was a Jonas Brother. Which one it was, I don’t fucking remember or care to recall, because they’re a social media ambassador (SMA). The Archduke of Clown College has more credibility than a RAW SMA. SMA’s actually end up screwing over the WWE. Yeah remember when Daniel Bryan fought Charlie Sheen at SummerSlam? Me either. SMA’s are nothing more than an advertisement for the said tweeter (see Anger Management and The Jonas Show or some shit.) Besides, they have no knowledge on what’s going on in the WWE. In their mind, Cena is still a rapper and “what’s a CM Punk?” SMA’s need to stay away from TV, Twitter, and Tout. Wait, what ever happened to Tout? I guess WWE abandoned that sinking ship. Or should I say…
Zack Ryder being put in the ambulance by Ryback proves you should never be friends with John Cena; you either die a hero or live love enough to see yourself become the villain. Speaking of dead careers, The NXT 7. No, not the Nexus but Derrick Bateman, Briley Pierce, Sakamoto, Percy Watson, Brandon Traven, Anya and Audry Marie. They were all released by the WWE last week. Many of these fools are relatively unknown here on Buried!, but Dildo-dick Beef-minge (Derrick Bateman), Percy Watson, and Sakamoto are no strangers to the shallow grave. The three men were originally Buried! for being one of the following: so lackluster kittens had better wrestling technique , a poor man’s Titus O'Neil and a glorified coat hanger. So for old-time sake, they shall all be Buried! But to the others who lost their jobs, I wish you best of luck in you’re future endeavors. Nah I’m kidding, fuck off.
Now on to the main event. Never before has a man debuted so early where I felt like preparing their grave extra deep beforehand was the only logical option. Curtis Axel, or as I call him, “The Whole F’n..So What?”. This kid was simply unimpressive, yet you see the rabid dick sucking from not only JBL, but Jerry Lawler as well to Curtis “Chicken Shit” Axel. Yeah his beard looks like a poor man Daniel Bryan's but chicken shit. So fine, Paul is being used to elevate new talent but really, your big reveal is Curtis….Axel. Paul, you even disappointed Justin Wong, how could you live with yourself?
The kid’s an ex-member of the “New Nexus” – you should be ashamed of yourself Paul. Just as I was about to bitch that the only reason this kid's on my TV is because he gets HHH's love, The Game himself comes out and buries him personally with his own bare hands. A single slap and the kid’s on the ground, yet Paul and Curt are shocked when it happens? You got in another man’s face, no, your fucking bosses face, and you didn’t expect to get slapped? And that’s what you deserve, not a punch, but a slap, because your being punished, you fucking child.
Can I tell you why Curt Axel will never succeed in this business? Because he doesn’t have the look. Yeah, that is a Vince McMahon quote but it is true. Look at the dude, he looks pudgy and he has a fucking beard. Exactly the words to describe Daniel Bryan I know, but the difference is Curt is lame. He's got nothing going for him. He just looks boring! But let’s get real, anyone short of Iron Sheik would have been a disappointing reveal as to who was Heyman’s client. The only way Curt Axel’s reveal would have been awesome would be if he came in Owen Hart style. Well he would be really Buried then…
I ain’t even close to done! Let’s finally get to the ending of his match with HHH, where The Game passed out due to the epic ass beating delivered to him by Curtis Axel. No, I’m just fucking with you, he just fell asleep. Sure, the WWE may try to tell you that he had a concussion, but I think he fell asleep. Curtis is just that boring in the ring. Fuck SummerSlam, Hunter is looking forward to SnoozeFest. But If it was a concussion, HHH should be ashamed of himself. Dolph Ziggler finished a match with a real concussion yet you couldn’t?! Way to leave the fans angry.
Let’s just pray this feud doesn’t continue and that CM Punk will come back next week with a face turn to beat some sense into Paul Heyman. Final thoughts, Curtis Axel is fucking whack. The only question on my mind is what does Curtis Axel’s son name himself? Considering that Curtis Axel takes his name from his dad and grandpa, what about his son? My only guess. Axton Mcgillicutty. I must end this now though. Curtis, your entire family, past and present is Buried! It’s the PERFECT way to end this article.