Ladies and gentlemen after a week's hiatus, the Cool Cat himself, Mr. Spunky “Quark” Adams is back in the building. Let me explain my absence. Last week, RAW was in the U.K so as part of my college foreign exchange program, I went to the show. However, midway through, I started Fandangoing. I Fandangoed myself so hard that I ended up in the middle of Russia. Even worse, I went forward in time! Yes, no joke. Therefore, I have seen this week’s RAW already and have written about it in advance. It’s a good thing John Cena isn’t injured or this RAW would have been pretty much dog shit! Disclaimer: because I got an early viewing of RAW, the card is subject to change. Well anyway, let’s get this BURIED! DeLorean rolling!
Fandango opened up tonight to some sweet new theme music. The music in question was actually “Let the Madness Begin” by Fozzy. Pretty ballsy of Fandango to and blatantly use Jericho’s own band’s music. Fandango came out in a badass leather jacket complete with spikes and chains. The dude got a huge reaction from the audience in attendance and it's easy to see why. Everyone is already sick of this dude’s theme song and the WWE shoving it down our throat, forcing us to Tout our “Fandangoing”. Also, considering Fandango is a heel, having a popular gimmick that the audience likes doesn’t exactly help your credibility. Anyway, Fandango came out, gave a quick little speech about how he is sick of this corporate dribble and is ready to show the world his true skills. The crowning moment from the man was when Justin Roberts said his name wrong. Instead of just correcting him, he came back into the ring and choked him out a' la Daniel Bryan. He then picked up the mic and revealed his new rebellious name, DJandango. Overall, pretty solid way to start the night, but not for Justin.
Fucking Divas, so sick of it. Especially considering it was the first match of the night. But at least it was a pretty hasty one with AJ taking the gold (pink?) off of Katelyn quick. And when I say quick I mean not even a commercial-interrupted quick. As in, I went to go tout about my piss stream during that match and I missed it. AJ is the only logical holder of the belt, but let’s just pray they don’t waste my time by defending the damn thing. If you want your time wasted with Divas, go watch the Diva reality show on E!. Yeah, that’s apparently a thing now. I’m assuming Buried! Alumnae Maria Menounos is hosting. Because let’s get real, any #REALasFUCK Diva from the past (Trish Stratus or Lita) is going to take the job. It’s kind of like Tough Enough, but with less pussies. Here’s to you Andy Leavine.
OK, I need to address what the fuck happened with Great Khali and Hornswaggle because I am officially calling this Week of the Heel. The two came out and had a dance contest against Jimmy and Jay Uso, which in itself was dog shit, but then things got real. Jimmy and Jay lost and out of jealousy, called out their uncle to destroy the Giant and the Half Man. That uncle was none other than The Iron Sheik! Yes, the man himself. Sheik rushed the ring and put the two in a camel clutch and humbled the two old-country style. Granted the WWE is being pretty fucking racist by saying The Iron Sheik is the uncle of a couple of Samoans, but hey, whatever. At least Kahli is out for a coup++++++++++++++++++++++le of months. Yes, he is just Khali now, he deserves the title of great less than Tensai deserves to be a lord. Team Sheikie baby!
Cody Rhodes' new WWE figure is just fucking silly, I need one now.
The last segment was the final chapter of Heel Week. The final act was after Djandango defeated Mark Henry in a No Holds Barred match, DX came out to convince HHH to not wrestle Lesnar again (to save the audience's sanity). Elsewhere, 3MB defeated The Shield, Brad Maddox pinned Trent Acid, Big E retired Big Show and Ryback did the most heel thing ever. During the final segment with the Make-a-Wish kids, The Ryback picked up all 3 of the little bastards and shell shocked them on top of Jerry the King.The crowd was silent. No one knew what to do. Was Jerry dead, were these kids alright, what had happened? Cena ran out in defense of the children and was met with a swift disaster kick off the top rope. I swore to God I saw a tooth fly out and I believe Cena’s jaw got dislocated. All the blood that was outside of the ring couldn’t have been faked. The embrace from Hardcore icon Mick Foley to Ryback was pretty wild though. Foley had passed the title of hardcore legend to The Ryback, it was a pretty legendary moment. This move definitely helps Ryback, he needs a mouth piece and Foley is the perfect choice. With the state of the current champ, looks like he will have to abandon the belt to The Ryback sooner rather than later.
- Buried! WWE RAW (4/15/13) (mytakeradio.com)