Quark

If Blade doesn’t write a Buried article this week, he’s either being a lazy fuck, or is too busy getting ready for his trial to be focused on writing. I just find it sad that I come back from a month-long hiatus, to find the dude just stopped writing. Basically, if it wasn't for me, you guys wouldn't have a Buried! to read every week. I left for a bit knowing Blade could do his job and keep our product stable, however, I see I was wrong. Anyway, lets fucking bury!

Let’s kick this off with The Board shall we? At the beginning of RAW, the GM was announced to be meeting with the Board of Directors. How is it possible that she can meet people that no one has ever met? It’s simple, she’s one of them! RAW GM, I finally got you!

BURIED!

According to Michael Cole, all the WWE superstars did in Cairo was “visit pyramids and see camels.” There was zero wrestling involved in this tour, as the stars were too busy being fucking tourists. Still later in the broadcast, Cole is still talking about goddamn camels! You uncultured swine, there is more to Egypt than fucking camels!

BURIED!

Justin Gabriel has never been Buried! and he may never be after a stellar match with Antonio Cesaro. The 450 splash finisher pin literally gave me goosebumps. Great job man.

BREAKING UPDATE! AJ LEE HAS BEEN REMOVED AS RAW GM! WE DID IT GUYS, WE DID IT! THIS IS WHAT VICTORY TASTES LIKE! I HOPE THIS MEANS JOHNNY ACE CAN COME BACK AS GM!

No, just kidding, fuck that guy. But seriously, during AJ’s incoherent mumbling about her poor life, one of my friends said, and I quote, “No one gives a fuck.” The anger in her voice geared towards this bitch she never met was truly awe-inspiring. Fuck you AJ, and rest in fucking peace.

BURIED!!!!!

Time for another rousing game of…

Purely Speculation

This may already be in the works, but nothing is official yet. I think Matt Striker should be part of team Rhodes Scholars. He is an awesome heel and he is great at just being a total douchebag. He does it in this passive aggressive way that just gets under your skin and then you just can’t wait to see him get pulverized. He will also be a great belt carrier when the team eventually wins the Tag Titles. However, this is all Purely Speculation.

As much as I love the new angle that involves John Cena having an affair with AJ, I must say that it's pretty ballsy of the WWE considering John Cena may or may not of had an affair in real life. It’s almost as crazy as the time when Michael Cole mocked Jerry Lawler‘s mom…two weeks after she died. A great idea would be to have Cena’s actual ex-wife fight AJ at WrestleMania, but until then, I don’t know how to exactly feel about this situation…

BURIED?

 

Final burial goes to my new editor, who will most likely betray me like the last one.

 

Quack

I come to you all with a heavy heart as I sit here in my depressive stupor. My cat, Ducky, was recently devoured by that animal Ryback. Because of this, I am suing Blade for emotional damage. If I had never started writing for this site, my cat would not have been appointed to the Board of Directors, hence he would not have been a target. But there is a job that must be done…you will never be forgotten Ducky.

First burial goes to WordPress for making my life a living hell.

As someone who knows nothing about the animalistic sport known as football, I am highly offended that the New York “Giants” were in attendance on RAW. They are apparently football players, but they don’t seem any more giant than other footballers. They are buried for lying.

BURIED!

Kane is buried for being a dog person and not a cat person.

BURIED!

I would finally like to introduce the newest member to our stable, err, I mean legal team (yeah, that’s right). Captain Quarkenstein, my lawyer!

Quarkenstein

As you may have heard, I am being financially backed by Quark to be Quack’s lawyer and I am quite elated to be here tonight. You may be saying that it is unprofessional for me to be here, as Quack is my client and Blade will be the one we are testifying against. But considering that I have accepted this case with little to gain career-wise, I have decided to write for Buried! simply because I can – I’m a lawyer. I will look into this case long and hard, and I will give you my final verdict within the coming weeks. To update everyone on the case: Quack is suing Blade for fraud in his craigslist ad, false termination, and emotional damage. But let me take a swing at this Buried! thing.

My first burial has to go to Damien Sandow, who illegally broke up a hold during their Tag Team fight. If I was Sin Cara and Rey, I would have sued.

BURIED!

Eve physically assaulted Kaitlyn backstage. Hopefully she will wise up and sue her for her violent acts of aggression. Considering that Eve has a position of power backstage, the legal ramifications behind this could be huge. Lawyer up, Kaitlyn.

The idea that Ryback has a title match against CM Punk when there was no number one contender match makes me sick. If Punk loses the match, he should file a complaint.

 

Blade

It's that time again, welcome to the latest installment of Buried! I have been away the past couple of weeks shooting scenes for “Buried! The John Blade Story.” While I've been away, the burials has been handled by Quack and Quark. I'm sure Quark would be the first to chastise me for not being here, but even when I'm not here, I'm still here. The perfect example is last week, Quark and Quack couldn't find enough creativity between the two of them to close the article. So they opted to steal some of the things I posted on my own personal Facebook page. I'm not a math expert, but I'd have to say about 95% of the “bullets” used in last week's installment were from me. I'm not going to make a big deal of it, I personally don't really care that much. But the fans have a right to know. Now onto Buried!

It seems that Rey Mysterio has spread his illness to Sin Cara. I'm not talking about the flu either. I'm referring to his mediocrity. Sin Cara has been nearly flawless, but Rey comes into the picture and things go downhill. Sin Cara gets his chance at a title, but unfortunately he had to work with Mysterio, so he was destined to fail. I could sense this once the Tournament got delayed because Rey got sick. I guess he was too high to get his flu shot. I'm just pissed he had to drag the great luchador, Sin Cara, with him. BURIED!

If there had to be a mascot for Buried!, it definitely wouldn't be Vickie Guerrero. We're trying to gain fans not scare them off. For some reason she keeps getting these managing roles in the WWE. She is steadily losing power though, she's not even a GM. She's RAW's “Managing Supervisor”. I don't think that's a legit title. Then, she has the nerve to get on AJ Lee's case because she's being accused of fraternizing with one of the superstars. Vickie has no right to be criticizing anyone for sleeping around in the locker room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cougar needs to be spayed if they want the young talent to be safe. That's why we don't see any of the talent from the locker room on RAW. They're all hiding from Vickie. Proof of her inability to be useful is Dolph Ziggler. The one night he's not with her, he has a great match, and he's featured in a commercial. Now excuse yourself from the rest of my article, BURIED!

John Cena is one shady guy. Quite the accusation I know, but allow me to elaborate. Monday night, Cena came out and pandered to the New York Giants fans because RAW was held at MetLife stadium. The fans immediately saw through his charade. Not only that, last week he was named “Honorary Team Captain” for the New York Jets. Honorary Team Captains should be the last thing on the mind of Jets management. They should worry about their mediocre quarterback, or their butterfingered wide receivers. Or their stupid, brainless, obese…(my apologies, the inner football fan in me emerged for a second there.) Back to Cena, he's been showing support for two New York-based teams. He's a Boston boy! Any idiot knows of the rivalry between Boston and New York when it comes to sports. I remember last year when CM Punk referred to John Cena as the “New York Yankees” and Cena punched him in the face.

Now he's going around being buddy-buddy with Tim Tebow. He's a two-faced traitor. Now that he's gotten those zebra stripes removed from his arm, he's coming back to cause more havoc.

He's the reason AJ Lee was relieved of duty, and now we're stuck with Vickie Guerrero. Now, when you have to hear “EXCUSE ME!” twice as much as normal, you know who to blame. Cena tried to make it seem like he didn't fraternize with AJ Lee. Too bad there is incriminating proof that says otherwise.

I mean, I know you went through a divorce and all, but that doesn't mean you have to bury someone along with you. You dug your own grave Cena, you two-timing, home-wrecking, shell of a man. BURIED!

This concludes my Buried! for this week, see you on the next go-around kind folks. You're Welcome.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Can’t imagine AJ being part of The Board. Unlike Punk, I do think they dig crazy chicks. Does Cena have the Venom symbiot? That can’t right. Venom’s weaknesses are fire, really loud things, and lame-ass, corny, melodramatic, talentless, hypocritical “entertainers”. It would’ve gone to Punk but he was wearing his new shirt. Remember, not cool with really loud things. Good stuff as usual, boys.

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