Tonight is the biggest event of the summer….according to the WWE. Summer Fest! Excuse me, I am not Jeremy Piven, I’m Quark, and I’m here to burry SUMMER SLAM! Today marks the 25th anniversary of the event, but the first time I’m going to burry this waste of money. Who the fuck has an event called Summer Slam at the end of the summer!? It’s like if Kanye West would release an album with “summer” in the title, but releases it in fucking September. I have so much to bury in this this PPV, that I started typing twenty minutes before the fucking show started. Without further ado, let us begin.
YouTube Pre-shows, buried. Nah I'm just kidding. But Santino is, and his competitor are. Seriously. who the fuck is Antonio Cesairaraararra. Really, this guy’s last name is harder to spell than fucking bananas. Be, Ah, En, Ah, En, Ah, Es. But first, let’s talk about Santino. I really don’t know what to say about Santino, besides the fact that he pulled a sock out of his asshole. I’m sorry I don’t have picture of it, but trust, it’s a good thing I don’t. In case you didn’t watch the preshow (and you are a better person for it) Cesaroz ripped the cobra sock puppet in half. Santino then proceeded to pull a 2nd cobra out from within his nether regions. This brings up several questions.
1. What else is down there? I’m thinking its Beth Phoenix’s career.
2. Does Santino use his anal sweat to slick back his mullet?
3. WHY IS A FUCKING SOCK PUPPET UP HIS BUTT?!
Poor Cobra, first you’re up a grown mans ass, and now you’re
Back to Cerra. Blade made a good point when he said “this guy is barely on TV, yet he deserves a title shot?” Blade, we don’t write for the WWE, but if we did, it would be way better than it is now. Anyway, Cesaro? (checks Google) Ok I finally got it right. Cesaro fights Santino in a 10 minute match. 10 minutes. My right nut could defeat Santino is less 10 minutes, and it’s slightly less floppy than my left. That’s a problem that I should get checked out. But for now, Cesaro is obviously Buried. Oh and if Aksana was more focused on her boy’s match than fucking touting, maybe he would have won in a more timely fashion.
Daniel Bryan Vs Kane? Of all matches to put on this card, this is the one that had to happen. To think all of this stems from Charlie Sheen being Skype master general. Sheen talks crap on Bryan, which leads to Kane helping Bryan with his “Anger Management” GET IT, BECAUSE ITS HIS SHOW!!?!?!??!?! Charlie Sheen is fucking buried for helping create this story line.
This is a segment known as “Quarks Super Happy Fun Time” where I go through several short bullet points quickly for maximum happy fun time.
I would bury the Prime Time players, but I cant, because they can do no wrong.
“Macho Man Appreciation Month” continued with CM Punk rocking pink. CM Pink anyone?
The biggest event of the night was not Brock Lesnar vs HHH, but a cameo by the first diva ever buried on this site, Maria Menounous. Before there was People Power and storylines, there was only a simple article featuring four superstars. Jerry the king, Curt Hawkins, Johnny Ace, and Maria Menounous become the Buried Boyz first victims (and the Hall of Buried’s alumni.) We salute you all and your wackness, but forever stay
Ok this is me seriously getting pissed off. And this isn’t for comedy, this is legit anger on my part. Last week I was talking to Blade about how I felt that *site name deleted* was blatantly stealing my jokes. At the time it was a stretch and just me being goofy. But now, I’m being serious. On August 19th ****** wrote an article where they denounced the bottom 5 moments of Raw that week. Sorry guys but it sounds awfully familiar to what me and Blade do every fucking week. 4 of the 5 topics in this article were covered already by me and Blade, SIX DAYS PRIOR! And this isn’t an on going article. I’ve been a big fan of ***** for years and I have never seen a bottom five article (or at least that I can remember.) What makes me sick isn’t the idea of plagiarism (as it could very well not be that at all) but how many fucking comments they get. This article has more comments than every Buried combined! Are you fucking kidding me. This has been a sensitive topic for a while now between Blade and I, but it has come to a boiling point. Blade and I sit here each week, and I spend several hours to deliver quality reading material to you all, but do we ever get any fucking feed back? No. We may get a comment here or there, and that is awesome, and I thank everyone who does support us, but 300 god damn views for Spot Light Hunico with 0 comments is nothing to take lightly. I feel honestly disrespected by the lack of support from our “fans” and it is unacceptable that this issue has not been addressed. I’m going to college and unless some things change, don’t expect to see these premium sized Buried’s anymore from me. That may seem like a threat, but quite frankly, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Food For Thought.