There was a time where I would write quality articles of analytic thought or humorous satirical wrestling articles. But ever since I became corporate Quark, the only articles I can write anymore are click-bait…LIKE THIS.

So I decided, let's do it even bigger! I'm thoroughly disappointed with Goldberg being a pre-order bonus for WWE 2K17. Considering he was an unlockable character in WWE 2K14, it just feels like a giant waste to have him be the big bonus. What wrestling fan or filthy casual is going get a hard-on and rush to the store on day one just to play as Goldberg? However, THESE five preorder bonuses would truly shock the world.


After appearing at WrestleMania 32, and with Big Show and Shaq looking to be the next Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker, it's a shock that Shaq wasn't this year's preorder bonus. Considering Shaq is the Bruno Sammartino of Hoop Ball, I expect to see Shaq open a can of Shaq Fu in the near future.


If you say that this would be stupid, then you, in fact, are the dumb one. Considering last year's game had The Terminator, putting in Robocop (who you may remember saved Sting), wouldn't be so far-fetched. Honestly, this is the only preorder bonus that would actually make me want to preorder a WWE 2K game.

Any Musician

Flo Rida, Machine Gun Kelly, the entire crew of Florida Georgia Line, I don't care. What would easily be the biggest “Fuck You” to wrestling fans everywhere would be the inclusion of these losers. For years, the WWE has had an odd/obsessed relationship with MGK, Flo Rida, and FGL. MGK has some street cred, but Flo Rida makes Quark look hard by comparison. Any flavor of the month musician would just be wrong for a preorder bonus…except…

Snoop Dogg

Snoop is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so this is a no-brainer. Snoop can also hold his own, having appeared in Def Jam: Fight For NY, Way of the Dogg and Tekken Tag Team Tournament 2. He also stole someone's Xbox 360 and their copy of FIFA while he was performing at my college. True story/rumor, no bullshit…or should I say…doggshit.

Chris Benoit

Worthy of my click-bait headline, this is the most shocking of all time. It will never EVER happen, but if Vince McMahon one day decides he is jumping ship to NJPW and wants to sink the WWE, this is the way to do it. This is the ultimate way to sell 0 copies, as even I'd feel uncomfortable playing as the Canadian Crippler.


If RAGE Works was comparable to The Shield then Quark would certainly be Dean Ambrose. Quark brings his unique brand of madness to RAGE Works alongside John Blade for The Buried Show. Quark is also a hardcore gamer who when not burying wrestlers can be found delivering thought-provoking content via Quark's Corner.