Excuse me…. EXCUSE ME! I would like to present my first burial! The Velociraptor, I mean cougar…. Vickie Guerrero! I could take the obvious low road and comment on her voice or her weight. But I’m above that kind of bashing. I’m burying her for being the WWE’s “Town Whore.” After Eddie died, she still hung around. I guess WWE decided “let's just pimp her out to any wrestler who needs a manager”. It all started when she was given the role of GM of SmackDown. Edge was the first one to fall into black hole that is Vickie Guerrero (interpret that as you please). They played him off as Vickie’s boyfriend, giving him biased matches which ultimately led to him getting a title. (At least there is a silver lining in this dark cloud.) When they formed “La Familia”, we were introduced to a Buried! alumni….CURT HAWKINS! Oh, and Zack Ryder. Now, we have Vickie “managing” Dolph Ziggler and his cohort Biff Tannen…. …which was originally Vickie dating Dolph Ziggler, and then somehow they became this odd stable. But that’s beside the point. She’s had so many storyline boyfriends. Anyone remember Eric Escobar? Of course you don’t! Because he was so awful, Vickie dumped HIM! Having Vickie sleep around like this is just burying the late Eddie Guerrero’s name. Therefore, Vickie, you’re…
Now, making his Buried! return, The Bore Machine Brock Lesnar! We were given the usual agenda. Show up, look angry, talk about how great he is…Blah Blah Blah. And, of course, Brock Lesnar wouldn’t be Brock Lesnar unless he assaults someone. He attacked a defenseless Josh Matthews when he was simply doing his job. So much for that “Don’t be a bully, be a star” campaign…
He apparently is only happy when he’s hurting people, and that’s probably why he talks so much. He hurts everyone’s ears when speaks into a microphone. Sin Cara could cut a better promo than Brock Lesnar. His promos are so bad, WWE will find any excuse to censor his piss-covered speech. I was praying that John Cena would grow a set and hit him across the face with that chain he dug up from 2005. I understand Brock Lesnar is good for ratings and he’s probably still a decent performer in the ring, but can they spring a little cash and have someone do his mic work? Is that too much to ask? Shell out a couple million and get Michael J. Fox, anyone! Brock Lesnar’s awful promos bring him back into the Hall of Buried!
For some odd reason, WWE decided to have Paul Bearer make an appearance on RAW this week. They had him do what he is best at… getting buried. I wonder how it feels to be buried by the most boring wrestler on the roster. Randy Orton couldn’t even make murder interesting. I’m still trying to figure out who thought it was a good idea to just bring Paul Bearer out of thick air. (Get it? It’s a joke about his weight.) How are they going to explain this? Randy was just in the back brainstorming on how to get his revenge on Kane and he just bumped into Paul Bearer? Did he have a talk with Edge and have a lesson is Kidnapping 101? The Paul Bearer kidnapping was so random and unnecessary! This isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last time. Paul Bearer is…
#SaveReksAndHawkins…or not. Curtis Hawkins and Tyler Reks once again failed to do their job. They simply had to trend worldwide. Simple enough right? But they were only able to trend in the UK. Most likely because UK gets NXT on TV, the U.S. simply doesn’t care enough to air it, and I’m not aware of anyone who takes time out of their day to watch it on the internet. Too busy watching Charlie bite my finger and looking up pictures of cats. I have no idea where Reks and Hawkins go from here. I will admit, writing these Buried articles has given me a newfound respect for the guys. But that doesn’t change the fact that Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks are…
I’m not happy to do this. But tonight's Honorable Mention goes to Josh Matthews. He tried to get an interview with Brock Lesnar, and was given a possible broken neck for his trouble. Like I said Josh, it’s nothing personal. “I’m just trying to do my job.”
Fucking Ace! What could have been a great opener to the show (a contract signing) is turned into Ace being a belligerent asshole to his “slave” Ted…WTF EDGE! Nope, not even Ace himself could stop the greatness and pure joy I had when I heard Edge’s iconic entrance music. Edge runs out into the ring and gives John Cena a pep talk about how “I don’t know what happened to the old Cena, did you lose your mojo to The Rock?” It's almost as if Edge read my Buried articles and everything I said about Cena and stole it. Edge mentions that Cena cant lose to Brock because Brock doesn’t give a damn about the WWE unless they can “line his pockets.” “He’s not like you and me John, people who work day in and day out for this company.” Edge's comments seemed to be what a lot of the people backstage think about Lesnar coming back, that it's just for the payday. The real question is why did Edge come back out of nowhere to talk to Cena? I think Ace brought Edge out to give a talk to Cena, but to specifically mentioned that his contract was almost up, so the WWE universe would boo Edge for not re-signing. Ace is just that big of a dick to do that. So Ace, for just appearing on my TV at the same time as Edge, well you know the drill…
Next up, I’m going to bury someone who has yet to be Buried, and that’s a shame. I don’t have a problem with someone smoking pot. Whatever, do what you got to do, I am not touching it, but who cares. I don’t care if you get suspended from your job because you got high one too many times. I do care when your reefer antics cause someone, who is more talented than you, to go from being Tag Team Champion to being a jobber. The man I am talking about of course is Evan Bourne. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Bourne, but when you jeopardize the livelihood of your partner Kofi Kingston just because you can't pass up a joint, you’re an asshole. After watching the Kofi vs. Jericho match, It made me appreciate how good a performer Kofi is and just how awesome he was as Tag Team Champ. Now we are stuck with a solid mid-carder who got lost in the shuffle and a shitty Tag Team division just because of one guy. To quote Kanye West, no one man should have all that power…
“Extreme Rules” needs an Honorable Mention. I have a problem that every match on the card is a match that happened at WrestleMania. Well, basically, the rules have changed but the players are the same. Randy Orton is still fighting Kane, CM Drunk is still taking on Jericho, but this time Bryan can actually fight Sheamus and Cena is still fighting a WWE traitor. Stupid PPV is stupid.
Next up, R-Truth got beat by Prince Tensai. I have some problems with this
1: Why is R-Truth jobbing?
2: Why is Tensai in a squash match?
3: Tensai had such a good match last week, why not another?
4: Is the WWE fucking racist? Teddy Long, Kofi, now Truth?
5: How is Green Mist legal?
6: Why keep Tensai’s sharpie’d on tattoos, we all saw them smudging off last week?
7: Why am I Nit-Picking so much?
8: Isn't Paul Bearer dead? ( Wait wrong segment)
9. WTF happened to the draft?
Finally ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to eat crow. You may have noticed last week when I said that most 3 hour shows suck. Well thank god I was wrong. Believe it or not, I like when RAW is good, when it's filled with “real” wrestling and interesting advancements in storylines. Cm Punk got drunk, Edge came back, Cody Rhodes was on TV, Paul Bearer got put in an ice box and overall, I was entertained. So hey, I was wrong, and that is why Quark you are
Last Burial I swear. Headmaster at MTR', Akuma, personally asked me to bury this ass-clown.
Don’t Piss off the Boss!
Andy Leavine also known as “that guy who won tough enough like 2 years ago” was released by the WWE recently. In other news, no one beside a few wrestling diehards remember who the hell he is. Shit I wouldn’t even remember his buried ass if it wasn’t for my mom saying at the beginning of the season “he’s going to win.” She then bragged for two weeks that she was right. The dude had nothing going for him except being a semi jacked white guy who had zero ring work and was suspended for doing some drug that I don’t care enough to even look up. Proof that no one who wins tough enough goes on to do anything spectacular. Andy, stay homeless and forever be
Spoiler, he never won that belt.