SmackDown Buried is back ladies and virgins! I feel that I was not angry enough in my past two articles, so I think its time I rip some new assholes. I believe it is time to formally bury the man who is responsible for creating the Hall of Buried. The founder, the guild master of career disaster himself. Hunico. This man has not only buried by blade and I, but also the universe itself loathes this guy. When I bury Hunico, I don’t do it with malicious intent like I do fellow buried alumni Curtis #failed to save Rex and Hawkins, no I feel dirty when digging his grave. Hunico is a damn great wrestle with a completely shit gimmick. Worst of all, he was awesome under a mask, but the WWE shot itself in the foot by unmasking him, sorry I'm getting ahead of myself. Here’s a little back story for you little jimmy’s out there who have no idea what I am talking about. Back before the great Killtrocity war of 2012, there were a wrestler by the name of Sin Cara.
Sin Cara was a masked badass who could fly around the ring with greatest of ease…every 1 in 30 matches. Ya see kiddies, Sin Cara was a Mexican wrestler who was used to a Mexican style ring and not so much the WWE style of ring. After several fuck ups and a wellness policy test failure, Sin Cara went away for a little while. However the WWE was smart, and realized Sin Cara is not a man but a codename, kind of like James Bond, but more badass, and a wrestle…and not a spy…ok nothing like James Bond. Anyway another Wrestler by the name of Hunico donned the mask and became the new Sin Cara. Oddly enough commentators acted like the new Sin Cara was the same guy as before (even though the new Cara was much taller and much more beefy.) The funniest thing was that New Cara was a much better wrestler than the Old Sin Cara. Better yet, once Old Cara’s suspension for violating the wellness policy was over,the WWE decided to keep New Cara under the mask. Better, Fucking, Yet! New and Old Cara have had a real personal rivalry for yeaaaaaarrs, I can't make this Spanish soap opera shit up. Knowing these two guys have had legit taco beef (racism joke) for years, they decided to have these guys feud.
Honestly the feud sucked dick thanks to, *SURPRISE* Old Cara botching ever fight. The two’s super duper anti climactic feud ended during a Mask Vs Mask fight that occurred on free TV and Hunico sadly lost. Now my fellow my take radioers (sorry, I don’t know what to call our fans) what seems to be a way cooler gimmick for a wrestler? A badass masked wrestler who’s sole purpose is to get revenge on the man who stole his wrestling identity years ago? Or this!!!
I'm sorry but really? Dickies, a fucking dickie shirt? I don’t get why! I know you wont believe this, but this story gets even better! So much better I have run out of swear words to describe how crazy it gets. Well once Hunico became Dickie Man, Sin Cara became super injured and was sidelined for about six months. You know for a fact that the WWE is pissed. They could have just had Hunico replace Sin Cara for a second, and hopefully permanent time. Now we are stuck with Hunico and his seemingly retarded friend stuck in bad tag team matches. Hunico, you may have some of the worst luck of all time, but that doesn’t stop you from being
Next Burial goes to Derrick Bateman. I heard this guys on NXT but serious…who the fuck is Derrick Bateman? Yeah I'm purposely spelling Dedrick Beatmens name wrong just to show everyone that I don’t care enough about this guy to spell his name correctly. Daric is so lame, he’s the guy they get Trent Baretta to job to, yeah, he’s that bad. I'm sorry Danny Batman, but you aren't even buried, your just irrelevant. You’re so lame, I'm not even going to look up a picture of you to use in my article, I decided to look up a picture of a kitten instead.
Speaking of jobbing. I'm getting sick of Squash Matches. First Funkasaurus and now Ryback? I do not understand why we cant just get a real match with both of these guys. I understand why Ryfield is squashing, he’s still relatively fresh from his return. But Funk is just getting old and stale. There was hope at one point with Dolph Ziggler taking on this guy, but that seems to have vanished now that Hornswoggle is in the mix along with Jack Swagger. How did Dolph go from being number one contender to just a punk who gets jobbed out to fucking snoop dogs ex body-guard. Maybe Ryfield and Funky have some fucking pre-order gems that we don’t know about that makes them ridiculously powerful.
Smack Down seriously got me pissed this week with the Divas. I don’t care who the champ is, I don’t care if Kharma comes back or not. I could care less if Beth Phoenix went on Mercy Killing every Diva in the locker room. My lack of caring about that division is trending on Kelly Kelly’s ass. What I do care about is my girl Natalya. Diva’s of Doom, to farting to now getting the Jobber Entrance against Layla of all people. Natalya is the best wrestler in the company ( yeah I said it) and my fetish for her does not at all count for my bias of loving her. Natalya is so awesome that I can't bury her but ill bury the ref for allowing Layla to get the three count.