Welcome ladies and gentlemen! WWE Week on USA is coming to a conclusion, and RAW hosted this year’s Slammy Awards again. Quark and I were so inspired to outdo the WWE, that the monstrosity known as the Buried! Awards has now been created. To make the article easier to read, Quark's comments have been converted to blue. So sit back, relax and I strongly recommend not drinking any liquids because you will be laughing so hard you'll just end spitting it everywhere. Enjoy and as always, you're welcome.
Worst PPV Of The Year
When it comes to pay-per-views, there's no definite criteria to pleasing me. I just have to watch and decide whether or not I enjoyed the show. My least favorite PPV of the year was Elimination Chamber. After sitting through four title matches, only to have no titles change hands, it seemed redundant and simply a waste of my time. Then, at the time they had the storyline where Kane was trying to make Cena “embrace the hate”. They had an ambulance match, John Cena won, and then the whole feud just vanished. There was no big pay off, no Cena heel turn, nothing. Another complete waste of time. What seemed to be the biggest abnormality with the PPV was that the Elimination Chamber matches weren't in the main event. Neither the RAW nor the Smackdown chamber matches closed the show. On the contrary, the RAW Elimination Chamber match was the opener. The PPV is called Elimination Chamber, to me that means the chamber matches should be the focus of the show, not a pointless match between Kane and John Cena. So, my first Buried! Award of the night goes to the Elimination Chamber PPV.
Over the Limit – What a piece of dog shit. I have no words for this abysmal filth they call television. Instead, here are the words that my ex-editor wrote for the PPV…”WHY THE FUCK IS THIS CALLED OVER THE LIMIT!?” When you (the reader) thinks of the title, “Over the Limit,” what do you think? You imagine wrestlers pushing themselves to the max. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should be able to walk out of the arena without assistance or at least limping. I’m talking about giving us an Iron Man match,a no DQ match, K.O only, or a submission only match. But no, we instead got a Fatal Four Way, a squash, Divas, a Battle Royal, a standard tag match, and a couple of matches that have stipulations like losing a belt or being fired. I can see every one of these style of matches on RAW! It’s just fucking bullshit! I’m not even defending Ace. Fuck that. As much as I wanted to see Ace beat Cena’sbitchass, is that really worth price of admission?! The answer: NO! Does the match for the WWE Championship equal it either? No, CM Punk vs. Bryan is going to tear the house down, but we have already seen it twice…ON FREE TV! (But seriously that match was fucking awesome). I also have a problem that CM Punk seems to be more interested in feuding with corporate suits and not Bryan. Get in the fucking game Punk! At least he had the courtesy to mock Vince and not Ace. Guys, if you bought Over the Limit…I do not feel bad for you. You are a goddamn fool for buying such a dumb pay-per-view with such a dumb card. Over the Limit, you almost made me break kay-fabe, that’s how bad you are. Over the Limit, you are garbage like the Cena vs. Ace match. Seriously how the fuck are you yet to acknowledge Ace’s past wrestling career? He was as green in the ring as Jerry the King’s dead mom. Over the Limit, you aren’t just Buried!, you are trending on my shit list!
Worst Diva Of The Year:
This was one of the easiest categories for me to make a decision and that’s not only because the Divas Division is so miniscule and lackluster. I have personally been complaining about this Diva for the past few weeks. The lucky lady receiving this prestigious award is Kharma. If you don't remember her I don't blame you. She had not one, not three, not even two matches, Kharma didn't compete in a single match during her time in WWE. She showed up, knocked out a few Divas, and competed in the Royal Rumble, eliminating Michael Cole. Man, she must be really be something. Now the thing about Kharma that really infuriates me, is that she didn't compete in a match. Yet for some reason she's qualified enough to appear in both the WWE '12 and WWE' 13 video games. Kharma has never had a full match in the WWE, yet she appears in two video games. I could easily go on a rant of people who could've had that slot that she took, but this is her award and her spotlight. May this Buried! Award be added to the list of achievements that were unfairly given to you. Worst Diva Buried! Award goes to Kharma.
AJ Lee- I devoted an entire article to her. I hate her. However, I must respect what she has done. She led to a really fun summer story line involving…ok now she’s making out with DolphZiggler. I just can't….whore!
Worst Superstar Of The Year:
This was one of the more difficult categories. Having to sift through all the terrible Superstars that came and went throughout the year and having to put personal feelings aside and be professional. I've concluded that the Superstar most deserving of the Worst Superstar Buried! Award, is Tensai. He showed up as Lord Tensai, with his own lavish gear and personal servant by the name of Sakamoto. Since day one, he has received no respect from the fans. The “Albert” chants began almost immediately. Tensai went through the usual jobbers to get himself over. The thing that's wrong with Tensai, was that no one gave a damn about him. Once the company figured that out, Tensai's downfall began. Slowly but surely, Tensai lost his title of “Lord,” he lost his expensive looking outfit. They started using cheaper markers to draw the Japanese symbols on his head. They even repossessed Sakamoto from him, leaving him with nothing. Any Superstar that is referred to as an “Oversized Disappointment” by the company he works for on their own website has solidified themselves as the worst Superstar on the roster. Congratulations on your Buried! Award, Tensai.
Tensai – You know you are one of the worst Superstars of the year when you 1) Lose your lordship. 2) Lose the position of Johnny Ace’s bodyguard to Big Show. 3) Are repeatedly mocked by WWE.com and Michael Cole. This man is one of the few people this year that have literally zero moments to remember and being a racist on Tout does not count. I was originally going to name him as worst comeback, but I figured it is a greater dishonor to be the worst Superstar Of The Year. Fuck you, Tensai. I hope spring cleaning claims your ass.
Least Shocking Moment Of The Year:
The least shocking moment of the year was the wedding of Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee. Any wrestling fan knows that weddings in the WWE never go smoothly. Where's the fun in an actual successful wedding? Daniel Bryan getting left at the altar was a very sad moment, but not shocking in the least. Daniel Bryan can share this award with AJ, that is if he can pull her off Dolph Ziggler or whoever she's screwing around with now. The Least Shocking Moment Buried Award goes to AJ and Daniel Bryan.
John Cena Defeats Brock Lesnar – What could have been a brawl for the ages was a lackluster fight that ended the way everyone predicted. There was no way they were going to have Cena job out to both The Rock and Brock Lesnar within a 3-month period. There isn't much I can say about this fight, as it hasn’t effected any storylines since it happened and did nothing for either man's career. Maybe it would have been more shocking if Lesnar had won, but too bad.
Worst Slammy Award Winner:
Are you kidding me? This isn't even personal animosity from me here. Why the hell was John Cena named Superstar of the Year? Let's recap Cena's year shall we? He lost to the Rock at Wrestlemania, lost to John Laurinaitis at Over The Limit, was the first person to cash in Money In The Bank and lose, couldn't beat Ziggler for the other MITB briefcase, and couldn't beat Punk in the multiple times he had a shot at the title. He seems like the least likely candidate for the award. CM Punk is a week away from holding the title for 400 days straight, yet he's snubbed for the award. There's no excuse for Cena receiving this award. All the work he does outside the ring is great, but in that ring, on the mic, and even on commentary, CM Punk is undoubtedly the best Superstar. The company needs to stop pandering to John Cena and start supporting the new face of the company. Unfortunately I'm adding to Cena's list of achievements, but this is the award he deserves the most. Worst Slammy Award winner is John Cena.
John Cena, can I call him a bigger thief than he already is? CM Punk lost to John Cena for Superstar Of The Year. I love that Punk calls out Cena for his bullshit. “How is he Superstar of the year? It’s the worst year of his life.” Which is so damn true. He lost to Rock, lost Money in the Bank, was dumped by AJ, and ended his friend's career (Zack Ryder). Even worse, Cena gave his award to Ric Flair. Considering Flair hasn’t been in the WWE for over 2 years, I don’t see how that’s possible.
Worst GM Of The Year:
By far the worst General Manager of the year was AJ Lee. She couldn't handle the simplest task of being a GM…keeping your personal life separate from your business. Ever since she began as GM, she made decisions based on her personal feelings toward the various Superstars. The only successful thing AJ has done is form Team Hell No. As great as that is, let's also remember that she gave us Brad Maddox. Brad…. Maddox. That is all. Congratulations on your second Buried! Award of the night, AJ.
Booker T – No, not Johnny Ace. He is too awful to hate. It’s like kicking a retarded puppy, it just ain't right. Booker T is the worst GM considering that his GM role was actually a downgrade from his previous job of being an announcer. He gets less air time, which irritates me, and he almost stopped Team Hell No from getting the belts. I think my ears just need to hear more Shucky Ducky Quack Quack.
Worst Champion Of The Year:
The most must-not-see Champion, The Miz. The Miz literally took the prestige out of the Intercontinental Championship. His title reign made me completely forget there was an IC Title. The only reason he maintained possession of the title for so long, was because he rarely defended it. Here's a testament to how terrible of a champion he was. He lost his title on WWE's Main Event. Miz, all I ask is that you don't desecrate the prestige of this Buried! Award. Worst Champion Buried! Award goes to The Miz.
Big Show – Honestly, I could give a fuck about his Heavyweight Title run. He is just a placeholder for whoever the next champion is. What I’m talking about is his IC Title run. Wait, you didn’t know he had that belt? Yeah, neither did anyone else. I completely forgot about it, WWE forgot about it, and so should you.
I'm a man who stands by his word. I can't say I really regret any burial I've done so far. I'll gladly back up all of my decisions. For this category I'll give the award to CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. They put on such a good match that I had to admit, I simply couldn't find any reason to bury it. They put on a hell of a match and if not for the end of an era match, I would give it the Match of the Year award. They prevented me from doing my job so therefore they deserve this Buried! Award.
Hunico…poor, poor Hunico. I love this man. He is another guy I wrote a spotlight article on, but damn is he full of talent. He’s someone you can’t help but bury because the WWE just treats him like shit. But I know there is a lot of soul in this old flame.
Worst Comeback Of The Year:
When Jericho made his return, no one was surprised. He didn't even try to hide his return. Dirt sheets and news sites knew of his return weeks in advance. Then when he actually came back to the business, he didn't win any titles, or do anything worth recognizing. The most memorable thing Jericho did this year was getting suspended for kicking a flag in Brazil. Jericho is an awesome talent and he's capable of so much more. I was disappointed with his latest stint in the WWE. Maybe another Fozzy tour will give him some time to think about his character. He can stare at his new Buried! Award as inspiration. Worst Comeback goes to Chris Jericho.
Kharma – People may sit here and say Jericho had a bad comeback, but I’m going to have to say Kharma was the worst. In my opinion, Jericho is easy to replace while Kharma is not. She was going to be the saving grace for the Diva’s Division, but all we got were shattered dreams. She left during 2011, only to come back at the 2012 Royal Rumble. And…that’s it. She was never seen again in the WWE. I don’t care what issues she was having in her life, she broke my heart.
Worst Tag Team Of The Year
Team CoBro. The name itself screams failure. Zack Ryder had all the potential in the world, and he just got buried. That's it, the fans still love him, but the company doesn't. It's sad really he was on a roll and the just shut down all the momentum he had. He went from competing for titles, to teaming with Santino Marella. They seem to have given up on trying to make Santino look like a legitimate competitor. It's insulting to Santino and insulting to the fans. The Tag Team Division was on the rise and then they threw Zack and Santino together. I couldn't help but feel that this duo was hindering the tag team revival. They had absolutely no chemistry and they were a terrible team. Worst Tag Team Award goes to Team CoBro.
Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara -These fucks are the worst due to the fact that they are already broken up. Yep, Sin Cara is injured. Again. How this guy is still alive after all his injuries is beyond me. Does this fucker have Glass Joe’s genes?! He just can’t take a hit! Once again, the WWE should have kept Hunico as Cara.
Worst Tweet Of The Year:
A.W. had the greatest Twitter rant of the year when he just sounded off on the bullshit that goes on in the WWE. He was absolutely correct about how unfair that locker room can be. It was great to see someone tell it like it is. Unfortunately, he completely destroyed any chance he had at returning to the company. So in turn, his Twitter rants were probably the worst thing he could've done from a professional point of view. Worst Tweet goes to Abraham Washington.
Chris Brown- Yes, because Chris Brown is going to beat up the best in the world.
The Buried! Award of The Night:
The highest honor any Superstar can achieve in their entire career – The title of being Mr. Six Feet Under. Jerry “The King” Lawler was the only logical choice. He's had one hell of a year, he is a Buried! Alumni, and he was the first person I ever buried. He defines buried seeing as how he was almost actually buried. What would Buried! be without Lawler's mediocre commentary, unfunny jokes, and unnecessary abuse of Michael Cole. Jerry Lawler is the definition of Buried!, when you go on urbandictionary and look up, “Buried!” there should be a huge picture of The King. Quark and I proudly present the Mr. Six Feet Under award to Jerry “The King” Lawler.