Hello, and welcome to Part 1 of my 8 part series entitled Star Wars Sucks and So Do You! Now that the Star Wars films have been released on blu-ray I feel that with the millions (possibly hundreds of millions) of Star Wars fanboys eager to get their greasy paws on the films in this high definition format, it falls to me to explain to the world why Star Wars sucks and you suck for watching it. Each part of SWSASDY will consist of a review of a single film, in chronological order, focusing on the cringe worthy moments (there are many) and why Star Wars is the biggest con job to come along since organized religion.

Opening logo to the Star Wars films
Image via Wikipedia

When I was a young boy I remember waking up very early one morning and not being able to fall back asleep. I walked downstairs and into the kitchen around 6am. No one else was awake so I turned on the 13” wood paneled television that sat in the corner on a black metal cart. I sat down on one of the wooden chairs and watched as a young guy hung upside down in a cave made of ice. This was my first Star Wars experience though my parents claim to have brought me (only one at the time) to the theater when Star Wars was first released in 1977.

Over the years I was a Star Wars fan and it grew to a crescendo in college when George “Fat, Beard, Flannel” Lucas rereleased the Special Editions in 1997. I was studying abroad in London at the time and I went with classmates to see each film, all more than once.  I ended up ruining ROTJ for about 2,000 people but I will tell that story at a later date.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Image via Wikipedia

When the new trilogy came out I saw Episode 1 on the first day. Jar Jar. Need I say more? I took my girlfriend to the midnight show of Episode 2, where we both fell asleep from boredom about halfway through. Everyone loves Episode 3, but fuck Episode 3! It’s shitty just like the rest of the films and I will tell you why in Part 4 of my 8 part series entitled Star Wars Sucks and So Do You.

Star Wars sucks. It’s a fact. Get used to it. The story sucks, the acting sucks, the costumes suck, the special effects suck, the director really sucks and you suck too! If you want to break free from the madness, then burn all the shitty merch, including the same exact fucking toys FBF has been spewing upon humanity for the past 30 years, tell all the people who laugh at the lame Star Wars references from popular TV shows nowadays to go fuck themselves and realize that for a long time you have been part of a cult. I am here to save you from yourself so stay tuned for the rest of my 8 part series, Star Wars Sucks and So Do You!

A portrait of George Lucas, Pasadena, Californ...
Image via Wikipedia

5 COMMENTS

  1. Battle of Hoth and the assaults on the Death Stars were amazing for their time. Early 80s had nothing like that.

    • You picked out like 15 minutes from over 12 hours of screen time. The key words in your post are “for their time.” i don’t live in the late 70’s. And on a side note, I’m sure I could pick out a few good moments in Howard The Duck, but it still sucks. Get my point?

  2. Stop being such a slave. You want to get swept up by the force and the lightsaber battles but if you watch them as movies, they are garbage, and so are you.

  3. Lame. There’s great and horrible with everything in the world. Yes Jar Jar is horrible. No, the rest of Star Wars isn’t 100% bad because of it. Fuck off.

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