When you drop donuts on the rug, you get ants; when you bone a hooker raw dog, you get a fat paternity suit and she dumps the kid on you to attend the Pimps & Hoes Ball. If you have common sense, you can probably raise a child or at least watch one for a weekend. If you are Sterling Archer, you feed the kid Bloody Mary soaked celery, let him play with your straight razor and drink your martini. Just another day of life or death for Sterling Archer where he must make a tough decision. Either he deals with the life he actually did not bring into this world or he finds out who is trying to kill Woodhouse and his old R.A.F. mates. So I guess the question is who does Sterling hate less?
Tonight’s episode is going to possibly be my favorite of the season. Not only are we seeing the continuation of Archer’s false fatherhood, we get to see how he came into this world and the history of the only father figure he’s ever had. It seems good ol’ Woodhouse is nowhere near as feeble and pathetic as we were led to believe. After his best friend is killed by Germans in WWI, he went batshit insane and not only killed but scalped about fifty German soldiers. He got a medical discharge due to the fact that he was um…batshit insane. He won a bar in Tangier in a dice game where he met a pregnant Malory Archer, ready to pop. He delivered Sterling, killed about five assassins coming to kill Malory and raised Archer on his own for five years. So, all the bullshit he takes from Archer must mean…he loves him like a son; and now Sterling feels like that steaming pile of Spinosaurus dung they found the phone in from Jurassic Park III.
“The Double Deuce” showcased Malory’s parenting skills, which explains so much about why Archer is so….Archer. And after hearing about how bad ass Woodhouse is and how he not only delivered but protected and raised Archer, you would think he would get some respect going forward. I would not hold my breath on that one. I am hoping to see Woodhouse go WWI at least once more this season, if for no other reason to make Archer fear him. Seeing Archer’s complete ineptitude at being a father, I would like to see some resolution to the faked DNA test, despite the hilarity it creates. The wee babe Shamus deserves better. Archer will probably fall in love with the kid just as it is discovered that he is not really the father. Stay tuned for the stupid, folks.