Slick’s Nit-Picks: Archer, Episode 312 – “Space Race, Part I”
The life of the ISIS agent is one of mystery, danger and oftentimes, stupidity. Missions have taken them everywhere from various countries to the high seas and even high up in the air. Archer himself has even had underwater adventures and made one or two aquatic “friends.” The only place ISIS has not been yet is outer space and it should probably stay that way. “Where no man has gone before” is probably where no ISIS agent needs to be. It has little to do with the danger that they might face and everything to do with Archer’s stupidity. If there is life on other planets, would you want Sterling Archer to be our ambassador to them?
HIGHWAY TO THE… The ISIS team is requisitioned by the International Space Agency for a rescue mission. The Space Station Horizon is believed to be under siege, with half the crew staging a mutiny. The only evidence of such being a garbled message from the station captain actually does indicate they are in trouble but does not specify what kind. Malory doesn’t care when she hears that ISIS can name their price for this mission and suddenly agents who are neither qualified pilots nor have an ounce of astronaut training are headed past the wild blue yonder. Lana suspects something from the start and things look especially sketchy when she is unable to handle zero gravity. Everyone thinks she should stay behind but Commander Drake insists. Something not right is waiting for them up there; this will be ISIS’ most dangerous mission to date.
STOW AWAY LOVIN’ Amongst a million other good reasons why you don’t take noobs into space, they probably don’t understand that the amount of fuel is perfectly calibrated to accommodate the weight of the crew. An overage of even one average human body can lead to mission disaster. So what do you think Pam’s fat ass will do to the ship’s trajectory? Archer stows her away so he can make a booty call mid-mission and of course, Pam never goes anywhere without her moronic buddy Cheryl (whom Archer has also boned before). The warning from mission control is the only thing that saves their asses in time to make course corrections. Once again, Commander Drake looks really suspect since he thought it was a good idea to fly into space with no co-pilot.
SURPRESSING FIIIIIIIRE! I don’t care how desperate a mission is, who the hell thought it was a good idea to bring Cyril along? I mean c’mon, he lets prisoners escape, blows people’s brains out during interrogations where they are being cooperative and just sucks as an agent in general. When the shuttle docks, Cyril pulls a Forrest Gump and empties his clip too early into an empty hallway. It wouldn’t matter so much if Lana’s space sickness didn’t make her useless during the actual firefight. It is kinda sad when you actually have to rely on Archer to save the day. Equally sad when the rescue party takes out the people who actually need rescuing and turn themselves right over to the mutinous faction on the space station. In their defense, Drake led them into a trap, but even that was only really obvious.
So, let’s look at the scoreboard here. Archer, Lana and Ray are all captured. Oh, I’m sorry, Cyril is also, but big deal. I guess they could count on Malory for rescue, she has proven to still be pretty badass with a gun. Problem is she is currently going pretty hard on the orange drink and rubbing alcohol. Pam could probably beat the crap out of all of them, but I don’t like her odds against those space rifles. And Cheryl, well, Cheryl is busy floating around naked trying to make a party dress out of spare shuttle parts. Things do not look good for team ISIS and they look especially bad for Lana. Hot piece of ass that she is, guys wanna bang her on the regular, but now they wanna bang her and have her start pumping out babies to populate Mars. Someone is definitely getting hurt next episode.