Bald Rage: 10 Things I Learned @Comic Con (2011)

10. The lack of soap and water used this year was simply staggering

9. Slick have big feet. SLICK STOMP! aka I apologize to the chick whose ankle I stepped on and probably destroyed but maybe you shouldn’t be SITTING ON THE SHOW FLOOR, STUPID!

8. Washed-up has-beens shouldn’t be asking for $20 to take a photo with their dingy-looking asses, especially when the relevant somebody right next to them is only asking $5.

7. The Imperial presence at this year’s comic-con was severely lackluster. You bitch-ass Stormtroopers need to get with the program.

6. Kotobukiya owns my ass.

5. Hey guys, you ever notice that you never see a male superhero’s twig & berries? WEAR A FUCKING CUP!

4. Angry Bob is kinda awesome.

3. One should not sing the Pokémon theme song, live on stage when their level of vocal talent make the likes of Erick Sermon and Biz Markie sound like Mariah Carey.

2. Hey guys, it’s me again. You ever have someone say to you “hey, you look like ______?” THAT is the character you should dress up like. Black dudes cosplaying as Ryu and Ken just looks retarded when there are at least three black male characters in the series and over five brown-skinned ones! C’MON NOW!

1. Ladies, I love you, I really do. I love short women, tall women, thin women and sometimes even fat women – BUT…IF you are going to cosplay, and you are going to dress as a character who on paper or on screen is thin, toned and ESPECIALLY scantily-clad, PLEASE HAVE THE FUCKING SHAPE FOR IT! Here is a little guide I made for you:

Skinny girls should be Misty, not Yoko Littner.

Well proportioned chicks can be pretty much whatever they want, but please remember that the slutt-uhh, I mean the hotter your costume is the more fat sweaty, smelly nerds you attract and that is no one’s fault but your own.

To my BIG GIRLS, cosplay as such, there are big characters you can play. The Penguin, Amanda Waller, the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. I say this with the most sincerity and love – YOUR ASS CANNOT BE WONDER WOMAN!!!!!!! If you just have to be Princess Diana, then GET YOUR ASS A GYM MEMBERSHIP!

That is all, see you next year folks.