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Every beginning has an end and in “Heart of Archness,” every end has… crabs. Sterling’s reign as a Malaysian pirate king has come to a rather violent end and now the agents of ISIS are in deeper than they ever have been before. Ray has lost and eye, Cyril’s lost his mind and Lana, as usual, has lost her patience with Sterling. The crap has certainly hit the fan and it’s splattering everywhere in the aftermath of Archer’s antics. When all is said and done, will anyone be left alive? Someone please light a match to kill that “bucket stanch.”

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PLOT Archer, Lana, Ray, Noah and Rip mange a plan to get off the island but first they have to escape from their cell. Meanwhile, Bucky the pirate is negotiating with Malory the amount of the ransom for his captives but she will not pay without proof that her son is alive. This gives Archer the chance he needs to escape the cell but presents new problems. They group has to safely get to the helicopter that Rip mentioned and they must do it quickly. There is a race against time to get off the island before someone dies.

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BFFs Throughout this story, we have seen Lana’s concern/disgust/sexual frustration for Archer grow like an enraged Bruce Banner. Over the years, Sterling Archer has been nothing but a pain in her side, and that can be taken in several ways. Still, through it all, she genuinely cares about him and apparently the feeling is mutual. We see Archer do something selfless for once and he did it so that he would not lose his one and only friend, Lana Kane. All she does is complain about Archer, but then she is always there when he needs her. Even when she was with Cyril, it was just to piss off Archer and she talked about him constantly. Archer, a master of blissful ignorance, is only ever serious when either his mother is mentioned or when he is with Lana. These idiots are made for each other. By season’s end, I say they’ll either have slept together again and/or end up getting married.

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SEX MACHINE Cyril has been diagnosed as a sex addict. He also despises Archer for constantly bullying him in the office. And then it hit me, he could just rub the fact that he gets way more poon tang than Archer in his face. From season one, this dude has banged every chick in the office pool. I am sure he will want to chalk up screwing Pam (twice) to drunkenness, but he has also tagged and bagged Malory, something I hope comes to light during this season. He may not have any skills as a spy, but let it be known that Cyril knows his way around the ladies. Don’t believe him when he tells you he is “just jackin’ it,” because he’s probably slamming your woman.

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MAMA’S BOY Malory has been bailing Archer out of jams for his entire life which has made him overly dependent on her. The greatest accomplishment he has been able to claim on his own is getting out of Columbia House record club (it ain’t hard, I have done it multiple times). Even with the climax of this story, Sterling really has not accomplished anything on his own. Without the help of Rip and Lana (both of whom were working for Malory) he could not have escaped. Luckily for him, Malory either has not put that together or is letting him have one.  Hopefully season three will see Archer truly become his own man, but don’t hold your breath.

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Gotta love how this show can have self-contained episodes or story arcs and maintain a continuity either way. The whole “Heart of Archness” story started with Archer having some level of humanity and by the end he was good ol’ Archer again. The only thing he may have gained from this adventure is that he really needs to let go of his mother’s britches and that he really is in love with Lana. Cannot wait for the rest of the season because I doubt there are anymore hot Russian spies remaining that adore him to make him forget his feelings for Lana again. Maybe Lana will stop hating herself for loving him and maybe Ray will forgive Archer for getting him shot. If you have not realized by now that I am being sarcastic then you have not been paying attention. How anyone at ISIS stays above water is beyond me but I am so glad that we have at least thirteen more episodes of madness to look forward to come January or so. See you folks back here for the next premiere.

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What? You can’t wait until January for new Archer episodes? OK then, I guess just pout!

  • Slick's Nit-Picks: Archer, Episode 214 – “Heart of Archness, Part 1 (Special Assignment)” (mytakeradio.com)
  • Slick's Nit-Picks: Archer, Episode 215 – “Heart of Archness, Part 2” (mytakeradio.com)

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